And The World’s Biggest Asshole Award Goes To….

Farrah Abraham

Farrah Abraham

Farrah’s Epic Journey Begins

Farrah Abraham got knocked-up as a 16 year old living in Council, Bluffs Iowa.  However, that is not what made her the World’s Biggest Asshole.  A lot of teenagers get pregnant.  That doesn’t mean they are all the world’s biggest assholes. It simply means they are an embarrassment to their family and sinners.  It wasn’t until Farrah exploited her unplanned teenage pregnancy for a little bit of money and some fame on the reality show 16 and Pregnant that she began her epic rise to becoming The World’s Biggest Asshole.

Life After Being The World’s Most Famous Pregnant Teenager

Farrah was let go from the show 16 and pregnant shortly after her daughter was born.  That was when she did what she thought was in the best interest of her newborn daughter.  She spent her child’s most important formative years on a reality show called Teen Mom. It is there where she would continue her rise to assholedom, spending the ensuing 4 years acting completely insane and whore-like.  However ridiculous she looked, that is still not what won her the title of World’s Biggest Asshole.

Farrah Decides To Do The Responsible Thing

In 2013 she finally decided to do the right thing, and did what any other responsible parent of a 4 year old would do.  She did porn.  She contacted James Deen and made a fake sex tape that she leaked herself.  Her life was ruined by something as embarrassing as a sex tape, and she had to reinvent herself once again.  This time she is doing real porn and now has a line of sex toys and even has a rubber vagina that is molded in the shape of hers.   Having a rubber vagina with your name on it means that you have arrived as a real celebrity, but it still doesn’t mean that you won the title of the World’s Biggest Asshole.

Farrah Finally Does It

Fast forward 5 years.  Completely broke, ravished by awful plastic surgery and saddled with ridiculously huge fake tits, Farrah decides to make one final push to become the World’s Biggest Asshole.  She accuses MTV of bullying her over her sexuality.  But what exactly is Farrah’s sexuality that would cause an entire television network to bully her? After doing some research research I came to discover that Farrah’s sexuality is not gay or straight.  It is actually slut, which is really just straight, only more of it. Farrah is a very private person and I only discovered this when I saw that Chrissy Teigen got accused of “slut-shaming” after Chrissy called her a whore on Twitter.

After a lifetime of being called a whore simply because she did porn,  Farrah Abrahams has finally had enough. She is now suing Viacom, Eleventh Street Production, Anxious 11, and Teen Mom Producer Morgan J. Freeman for 5 million dollars over , “sex-shaming.”  You would think that she would be suing PornHub over something like that.  In any case, I hope she wins because she will need every last penny to pay for all that therapy her daughter is going to need.  I’ll bet her mom is kicking herself now for not letting her get that abortion back in ’08’. Congratulations Farrah Abraham’s.  You are The Worlds Biggest Asshole!  Click here to read more about past winners of The World’s Biggest Asshole. 

 

 

How To Tell If a Girl Loves You-5 Extraordinary Ways You Probably Never Knew Were Even Real Things

Love Is More Powerful Than Any Silly Little Rape Allegation

Man Kissing Woman's Right Hand

I know all about love and relationships.  At least I know more than Aziz Ansari, because I had sex with close to twenty five women, and I am pretty sure that it was always consensual.   Given  my  100% consensual sex rate, I think it is safe to say that I know women.  Or at least I know when a girl is willing to go all the way, and when I need stop trying to have sex with her so she doesn’t tell people that I tried to rape her.

I have had consensual sex with all sorts of women, tall women, skinny women, smart women, dumb women and even women whose vaginas smell bad.  Sometimes when I am really drunk, I even have consensual sex with ugly women.   The list of women I have had consensual sex with spans every race, creed, and color.  The only types of women I didn’t have consensual sex with were Albinos. Although I did have sex with a girl who was very pasty once.   I never had sex with a retarded person either, at least not on purpose anyway.  There was this girl I dated a girl in college who was pretty dumb.  She might have been retarded, but I think she was just an elementary education major.

Needless to say, I know women.  I know when they are super into you and will let you do anything you want to them sexually and when they are all just like, “meh”.  Here are some signs to look for to know that when a woman will have consensual sex with you and possibly even be your soulmate for a few months while you date her.

She Goes Above and Beyond

The Kentucky Klondike Bar is the act of freezing a bowel movement and sexually penetrating another person with it. Now I can’t say I ever did this, nor do I want to. But I gotta say, if anyone ever let me  shove my  frozen feces into any of their orifices, I would know that they are completely in love with me.  That or she is a prostitute and I just did waaaaayy too much coke.

If you find a girl willing to do the The Kentucky Klondike Bar,  you know that she loves you to the moon and back. She loves you so much that she is willing do more than any girlfriend has ever done for their boyfriend in the history of dating and relationships.  In fact, she is willing to go more above and beyond what any normal sane person would ever do for anything in the history of the world, and that includes Jesus and author, speaker, and safety advocate Scully Sullenberger.

She Isn’t Afraid to Get Dirty

When you do the Connecticut Mudslide, you will get dirty.  That is just one of the harsh inevitable truths in life, like lizard people and The New World Order.   The Connecticut Mudslide is when your sexual partner is giving you a rim job, then you have an orgasm and shit in their mouth.  There are lots of prostitutes out there who would do this for money or maybe some drugs, but never for love.  If you find a women who would do this for love, hold on to her.   She is a keeper. Just make sure you wear a condom, because  who knows how many other guys she did this with?  Not to mention she is  probably completely insane and has stopped taking the pill is now trying to have your baby.

Free stock photo of person, dark, dirty, eyes

She is Willing to Try New Things

See if she will step out of her comfort zone and try new things with you such as The San Francisco Bird Feeder, which is when you suck your own cum out of your partner’s ass, then spit it into their mouth, like a mother bird feeding her young.  This is something you might want to try after you have been dating a while to her to show her what she means to you.  It would be a nice thing to try on Valentine’s Day or maybe for an anniversary.  Sucking cum out of her ass sends a much stronger message than plain old flowers or a boring card.  This shows her that you love her enough to do something really disgusting for her.  If she doesn’t reciprocate and eat the cum that you just sucked out of her ass, then she isn’t worth keeping around.  You need to dump her and find someone who will.  She is probably not that into you.

She Loves You For You

Dustin Diamond (a.k.a the guy who played Screech in Saved By The Bell) made a sex video where he gave a girl a Dirty Sanchez.  He placed a finger into his partner’s butt and then wiped it on her upper lip, creating the illusion of a mustache.   Pretty cool, huh?

You don’t have to be a big shot movie star like Dustin Diamond  to give a girl a Dirty Sanchez   Just be yourself, and she should love you for that. If your girl really does love you, then she shouldn’t care that your not a big shot movie star like Dustin Diamond and she will still let you give her a Dirty Sanchez anyway.

She Gets Along With All of Your Friends

The Houdini is a great way to introduce her to your friends.  This is when you motion to a hidden friend.  He then takes over as you are having doggystyle sex. You put her head in a pillow and slip out the back door. Then he slips in and keeps screwing her. You return in front of her and say  “ta da!”  If she can’t find the humor in that, then just face it, she is just not in love with you.  She is also probably going to press charges too, so you better be sure before you try this one.

Well those are 5 ways to tell if a girl is really into you!  There are many other things you can do to see if she is into you.  There is the Rusty Trombone, The Alabama Hot Pocket, The Charizrd, The Mexican Pancake, felching, blumpkins.  I can go on an on, but you get the point.  All you gotta do is Google “Weird Sex Acts” and suggest them to your partner.  Then you will see if they really do love you.  Click here if you want to read more on Love and Relationships. Until next time, happy dating everyone!

 

 

Raising Kids Who Suck at Sports-What Every Parent Should Know

Your child Sucks at Sports, But That Doesn’t MEan YOu have to suck as a parent

Your a parent and you just realized that your kid sucks at sports?  You probably want to get real drunk and put them down like they do on Life TIme movies, or even disown them like in Annie and all those movies about orphans.  Don’t feel bad.  Those are perfectly normal emotions to be feeling.  That was exactly how I felt the first time I saw my son throw like a girl.  Everyone knows that the only reason anyone even has kids is so they can watch them grow up and become awesome at sports.  When that doesn’t happen it is possibly the biggest disappointment anyone could feel as a parent.

My own Experiences Raising a Child who sucks at sports

I still remember the first time I knew my son sucked at sports.  It was his first t-ball game.  It completly devastated both me and my family when we saw how bad he was compared to all the other kids.  He was that kid that took  forever to hit the fucking ball.  Everyone rolled thier eyes when he stepped up to the plate. Tee ball is already long and boring enough to sit through without some kid who swings 15 times before he finally hits one.  Then when he did finally hit it, he ended up being that asshole kid who carries the bat with him and runs to the pitcher’s mound instead of first base.

All the other parents were all pointing and laughing at me like I was some kind of freak.  I wanted to crawl under a rock and die or put a brown bag over my head and choke myself with my tie. It was the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me.  I was a third team all-county high school football player.  I couldn’t understand how  this could happen.  How could my sperm have produced such an awful uncoordinated non-athlete?  My dreams of living vicariously through my Division I athlete son were dead before his 7th birthday.  That was when I knew that I was going to have to face the difficult challenge of raising a child who sucked at sports.  I was not prepared for that. No one ever is.

Find the good in your YOur child beyond sports

Even if they suck at sports, they are  good at other things. As a parent it is your job to find those things and cling to them.  They might not be fat or ugly. Perhaps they have nice teeth and won’t need braces.   Maybe they aren’t gay.  They might not be too fucked up and don’t need to be put in therapy.   As a parent there is always something you can be proud of to take the place of sports that they absolutely suck at.

Fat kid dancing with guitar

Even if this fat kid sucks at sports.  He can still dance real good and he looks funny.

Take an interest in your child-or at least pretend to Take an Interest in your child

Even though you may not realize it at the time, having a child who sucks at sports is not the end of the world.  All you have to do is reinvent yourself as a parent.  I accepted my son for who he was and I didn’t pressure him into being something he is not like I would if he told me that he was gay.

It doesn’t matter how dumb or boring the stuff is that your child likes. Pretending to take an interest is a big first step in raising a child who sucks at sports. I started pretending  to give a shit about all nonsense that my  son is proud of  like his straight A’s and all the academic awards he wins at school.   Even if your kids are into the stupidest gayest  stuff in the world like ballet or even theatre, you need to show up at all their events no matter how painfully boring it is.  Just make sure your phone is charged and you have some games on there.  Subway Surfer just got me through a six hour chess tournament.

The Dude

 

Dress them for Success

You can easily trick people into thinking your kids are good at sports by dressing them like athletes.  Buy them lots and lots of Nike and Under Armour everything.  Even get them headbands, wristbands, hats, sneakers.  That way when you are in public, it will at least look like your kids are good at sports.  For a parent who has kids who suck at sports, having kids who look like they are good at sports can help you heal the damage done to your relationship with them as a result of them not being able to throw a football.

Well I hope you learned a little bit about how to raise your own kids who suck at sports.  For more information on parenting read on about Keeping Kids From Doing Dumb Internet Challenges. 

3 Easy Ways To Improve Self-Esteem Quickly and Feel Like a Life Champion Again

Improve Low Self-Esteem, and also Don’t Believe anything My Ex-Wife Says About Me.

There is a lot of people out there struggling with depression and low-self esteem.  I don’t personally happen to be one of them, but that is only because I am a self-absorbed narcissistic asshole. At least that is what my bitchy ex-wife says to all her fat bull dike friends.  That is good news for people with low-self esteem because that makes me an expert on just about everything. So today I am here to give you some advice on improving your low self-esteem.

Be aware that just because you read this that doesn’t mean that your self-esteem will be as high as mine.  You won’t immediately assume everyone adores you, or be able to put people down to boost your own ego, or think you know everything like my ex-wife  says I do when she talks shit on me to all of our mutual friends.   That only comes after years and years of thinking that you are better than everyone.   Expecting to have high self-esteem after reading this would be like expecting to be Budda just because you are fat and you tried curry once.

Reaching my level of self-esteem takes years and years of proving other people wrong, gas-lighting them, and putting others down.  Let’s start with baby steps.  Let’s just work on getting you to stop eating your feelings, being a slut, or wanting to kill yourself.  After that you can work on having really high self-esteem and being a smug know-it-all prick like my ex wife said about me when she got drunk at a Pampered Chef party last month.  That’s right Amanda, I went to Five Guys for lunch with Ned and Tammy and they told me all the shit you were saying about me.

WhO hAS lOW sELF-eSTEEM?

Everyone knows that fat chicks, strippers and guys who can’t bench press 300 pounds all have low self-esteem.  But who else has low-self esteem?  The answer might surprise you.  An article I found on the Internet called Holistic Living said that people who walk with their head down, don’t make eye contact, don’t take risks, can’t take a compliment, use negative language, take things personally, and don’t engage with others are all people with low self-esteem.  I actually know a lot of people like that, but I always just thought they were giant pieces of shit.  I never knew they actually had low self-esteem.

What to DO To Improve Low Self-Esteem

While I was in the bathroom this morning I was reading over some other articles that have been written on improving low self-esteem. They all said pretty much the same stuff, like the one I found on this site called PsychCentral.    They said to do things like, “take a self-esteem inventory”, “stop comparing yourself to others”, “set aside perfection and grab hold of accomplishments….and mistakes.”  Who is writing this shit, Ghandi?  That might great advice for giant pussies who don’t live in America.  Comparing yourself to others and trying to be perfect is what successful people do in America.  That is why we God made Facebook and eating disorders, which can both excellent strategies for improving low-self esteem by the way.  I am going to teach you the more practical, more American way of improving self-esteem.

Get More Likes On Facebook

Self-esteem starts with impressing other people and making them jealous of you, and what better place to do that than on FaceBook.  Just because you don’t like yourself doesn’t mean everyone in the world has to know it.  Stop being one of those losers who post morose cryptic looking shit on Facebook to try to get people to feel sorry for you.  Sure people might ask you what’s wrong.  They might even be nice enough to give your depressing song lyrics a Like, but trust me they are talking shit on you behind your back.

Instead, be more like the married woman I know who cries after sex and told me that she felt dead inside.  Her Facebook page is filled with happy images of her and her family at the beach and making smores in their back yard.  Self-esteem always starts with what other people think of you, and when it comes to self-esteem what other people think of you is the most important thing.

HavE a Healthy LifestylW

  1. If your a woman, this means taking lots and lots of dicks.   I used to think that women with low self-esteem were sluts, until I recently found out that is actually quite the opposite.  Having sex with lots of strange men is the ultimate form of validation that actually increases self-esteem.   I went to college with a girl who fucked literally the entire football team, three buddies from my hometown, a few guys from the preppy frat,  some guys of the diversity club, a few townies, and I even heard rumors she diked out with some of the girls on the track team.  Now she is the poster child for high self-esteem.  She is a successful attorney who is happily married with two great kids, a handsome husband and a Golden Retriever.  She couldn’t be happier with her life.  I know this because I just liked a few photos of hers on Facebook.
  2. Alcohol might be a depressant, but not until the next day.  At the moment it makes you feel like a champion.  I liken it to Popeye and his spinach.  Drinking heavily will make you feel like your the coolest guy in the room, even when you are not.
  3. I don’t agree with body shaming, but fat people are absolutely fucking disgusting.   When it comes to self-esteem, there is never such a thing as too skinny.  There are all sorts of unregulated diet pills out there and at least 2 eating disorders that you can pick from. In this day and age you have no excuse for being fat.  Look at the picture of this woman below. Do you think a fat woman would have the self-esteem to pose in just her underwear.

 

Be a Parent

There can’t be a more positive way to feel better about yourself than having a couple of kids that you can boss around all day and know that you are better at in everything.  You might have a shitty job, be ugly, feel trapped, unfulfilled or whatever, but at least you can tie your own shoes and you know how to read.  Having children means having someone in your life who loves you unconditionally no matter how shitty your life turned out.  Children also serve as an excellent outlet for projecting anger onto that you would have otherwise internalized and taken out on yourself.  Whenever I am feeling down, I like to pour myself a stiff drink and then find something to yell at my kids for.  I feel better about myself almost instantaneously.

If you follow these three tips you will have such high self-esteem that people will think your an asshole too.  Until next time! Happy self-esteem boosting everyone!    Click here to read more articles on improving self-esteem.

Philadelphia Fans are Life Champions Despite What Some Black People Might Say

Eagles Will Do Anything For Their Cause…Even Eat Horse Shit, Literally

In a stunning display of heroic fandom, a staunch Philadelphia Eagles supporter ate a giant steaming pile of horse shit.  His valiant efforts  showed the world that he would do anything to show support for his team, even eat a large pile of horse shit.  I never saw Colin Kaepernick doing anything like that for civil rights.   In fact, all I ever saw him do was kneel during the national anthem.  That’s not a very powerful message considering I don’t even get up off my couch during the national anthem unless it is to take a piss.

If Colin Kaepernick really cared about civil rights, maybe he would have eaten horse shit like this guy did.  Colin Kaepernick and his NFL constituents have spent 2 years kneeling during the National Anthem and they very little changed for black people in our country.  Meanwhile, this guy eats one pile of horse shit and his favorite team wins the the Super Bowl.   Maybe that is what we need to do as a society to be the agent of change that out country needs.  We need to see a YouTube video of a guy eating shit in a Black Lives Matter shirt.  Until that day comes I am afraid that we will never move forwards to Martin Luther King’s vision of equality in this country.  Society can learn alot from an Eagles Fan.

Eagles SuperBowl Win Sparks Yet Another Race Debate

There is a common misconception across America that stupid drunk white guys will riot after their sports team win a big game.  The Eagles Super Bowl win once again perpetuated this belief, as Black Lives Matter New York President Hawk Newsome recently told NewsWeek.“Somehow, it seems there’s a line drawn in the sand where destruction of property because of a sports victory is OK and acceptable in America. However, if you have people who are fighting for their most basic human right, the right to live, they will be condemned,”

What Mr. Newsome and others fail to understand is that white people do not riot.  They celebrate.   When you see a drunk white guy flip a car over after the Super Bowl, it is only because he trying to show everyone how happy he is.  That is never as scary as when you see a black guy doing it in a fit of rage.  When you see a stupid drunk white guy flipping over a car or lighting a fire in the street it is almost cheeky and cute.  It is like watching videos of babies laughing or America’s Funniest Home Videos, only even cuter.  Watch this dumb drunk white guy flip a car to show how happy he is that his Philadelphia Eagles just won the Super Bowl.  It is just plain adorable.