Raising Kids Who Suck at Sports-What Every Parent Should Know

Your child Sucks at Sports, But That Doesn’t MEan YOu have to suck as a parent

Your a parent and you just realized that your kid sucks at sports?  You probably want to get real drunk and put them down like they do on Life TIme movies, or even disown them like in Annie and all those movies about orphans.  Don’t feel bad.  Those are perfectly normal emotions to be feeling.  That was exactly how I felt the first time I saw my son throw like a girl.  Everyone knows that the only reason anyone even has kids is so they can watch them grow up and become awesome at sports.  When that doesn’t happen it is possibly the biggest disappointment anyone could feel as a parent.

My own Experiences Raising a Child who sucks at sports

I still remember the first time I knew my son sucked at sports.  It was his first t-ball game.  It completly devastated both me and my family when we saw how bad he was compared to all the other kids.  He was that kid that took  forever to hit the fucking ball.  Everyone rolled thier eyes when he stepped up to the plate. Tee ball is already long and boring enough to sit through without some kid who swings 15 times before he finally hits one.  Then when he did finally hit it, he ended up being that asshole kid who carries the bat with him and runs to the pitcher’s mound instead of first base.

All the other parents were all pointing and laughing at me like I was some kind of freak.  I wanted to crawl under a rock and die or put a brown bag over my head and choke myself with my tie. It was the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me.  I was a third team all-county high school football player.  I couldn’t understand how  this could happen.  How could my sperm have produced such an awful uncoordinated non-athlete?  My dreams of living vicariously through my Division I athlete son were dead before his 7th birthday.  That was when I knew that I was going to have to face the difficult challenge of raising a child who sucked at sports.  I was not prepared for that. No one ever is.

Find the good in your YOur child beyond sports

Even if they suck at sports, they are  good at other things. As a parent it is your job to find those things and cling to them.  They might not be fat or ugly. Perhaps they have nice teeth and won’t need braces.   Maybe they aren’t gay.  They might not be too fucked up and don’t need to be put in therapy.   As a parent there is always something you can be proud of to take the place of sports that they absolutely suck at.

Fat kid dancing with guitar

Even if this fat kid sucks at sports.  He can still dance real good and he looks funny.

Take an interest in your child-or at least pretend to Take an Interest in your child

Even though you may not realize it at the time, having a child who sucks at sports is not the end of the world.  All you have to do is reinvent yourself as a parent.  I accepted my son for who he was and I didn’t pressure him into being something he is not like I would if he told me that he was gay.

It doesn’t matter how dumb or boring the stuff is that your child likes. Pretending to take an interest is a big first step in raising a child who sucks at sports. I started pretending  to give a shit about all nonsense that my  son is proud of  like his straight A’s and all the academic awards he wins at school.   Even if your kids are into the stupidest gayest  stuff in the world like ballet or even theatre, you need to show up at all their events no matter how painfully boring it is.  Just make sure your phone is charged and you have some games on there.  Subway Surfer just got me through a six hour chess tournament.

The Dude


Dress them for Success

You can easily trick people into thinking your kids are good at sports by dressing them like athletes.  Buy them lots and lots of Nike and Under Armour everything.  Even get them headbands, wristbands, hats, sneakers.  That way when you are in public, it will at least look like your kids are good at sports.  For a parent who has kids who suck at sports, having kids who look like they are good at sports can help you heal the damage done to your relationship with them as a result of them not being able to throw a football.

Well I hope you learned a little bit about how to raise your own kids who suck at sports.  For more information on parenting read on about Keeping Kids From Doing Dumb Internet Challenges.