The Elf on the Shelf Has Become an Important Part of Our Lives
The only thing worse than owning children is owning children who have an Elf on the Shelf. Whoever came up with this Elf on the Shelf is probably the same jerk that came up with other annoying stuff like birthdays and Easter. Our elf has been visiting our house every Christmas for the past 5 years. I’d rather my 3rd cousin from Philly who is a junky spend Christmas at my house. He might steal some stuff, but at least my daughter won’t cry when she thought I took his magic. She will know that he probably just overdosed. I wish I could say they same for that fuckhead, Jingles the Elf.
Be a Good Parent-Educate Your Kids So They Don’t Make You Look Stupid
This year I had to have the dreaded “talk” with my children. No, not the one about the sex. I will never ever do that. Talking to children about sex is really gross and weird. I’ll leave that to the experts, internet porn stars and kids at school. I had to have the talk where I tell them that their Elf on the Shelf is fake.
Last Christmas my daughter told me that she was the only kid in their class that still had the Elf on the Shelf, making me the biggest embarrassment of the school. Being a good parent, I had to stop her from making me look any more stupid. That was when I told her the truth about how I bought Jingles the Elf at a Barnes and Nobles. It was like one of those funny practical joke shows like Punk’d or Intervention. I mean it wasn’t as funny as when Mac Miller Punk’d Wiz Khalifa in 2012, or the look on all the drug addicts faces when they find out that they just got tricked into going to a rehab, but it was still pretty gosh darn funny. She was so mad that I tricked her into thinking that she had a magical elf living in our house. She started crying her little eyes out and locked herself in her room. It was really funny.
The next day, she took her iPhone 8 that “Santa” brought her and looked up Elf on the Shelf ideas for parents on Pintrest. Then she got mad at me again, screaming at me for being lazy. She told me that the only reason her elf doesn’t’ do anything is because I am a stupid and lazy parent. She said she wished she had one of the cool Pinterest parents that actually cared about The Elf. I was given an ultimatum that either I start doing cool things with the elf, or she would hate me forever. Now she wanted me to move the elf around even though she knew it was fake. My whole plan had backfired.
The Final Solution-Not The Nazi One, The One For Magical Elves
I not very creative when it comes to parenting. Plus I am lazy, drunk all the time, and somewhat of a narcissist. So it goes without saying that cool Elf on the Shelf ideas are pretty much near the bottom of my list of priorities. They are right at the bottom, next to remembering birthdays and dusting. I still needed to come up with something. There had to be a final solution, one that would end the Elf on the Shelf’s career once and for all.
I thought to myself what would a woman do in this situation? Then one evening while I was sipping bourbon in the garage, I came up with the greatest Elf on the Shelf idea in the history or parenting. It was an idea even greater than the one that I saw on Pinterest, like the one where The Elf made a train of shoes. Now I know how Einstein must felt when he invented the Internet, or Ari felt when he broke up with Becca for Lauren on Season 22 of the Bachelor. I was so proud of my accomplishment. It would be such a great elf idea that it would ruin him forever.
If It Ruined Aziz Ansari, Louis C.K., and even James Franco, Then Why Not Jingles the Elf?
My plan was so simple that it was genius. It was Mad Libs meets The Onion meets Toy Story, rolled up into one shocking #MeToo allegation and voila! It was the perfect scenario to get the Elf on the Shelf out of my house for good.
All I did was take an article from The Mercury News about Matt Lauer. Then I replaced Matt Lauer’s name with Jingles the Elf, and the North Pole for NBC. Finally, I snapped a few photos of Jingles the Elf in compromising positions with a Monster High doll. Jingles the Elf reputation was ruined forever and his career as a magical elf was ruined for good, just like the real Matt Lauer. If you do this, your kids might say that you’re disgusting and they hate you like mine did. Relax, kids always say that kind of stuff to their parents. Remember you drive a car and you have money. They need you to take them places and buy them stuff. They will get over it. Trust me. Stay strong. Be vigilant. It won’t be long until his career is as ruined as Matt Lauer’s and Louis C.K.
Happy parenting everyone!
Click here for more tips on Raising Kids Who Suck At Sports, and Dealing With Dangerous Internet Challenges.
Jingles the Elf: Disturbing, multiple allegations of sexual misconduct detailed in stunning new report
Like other powerful men who have been brought down by sexual misconduct charges in the past year, “Elf on the Shelf” Jingles also is alleged in reports to have exposed himself to a female colleague, to have forced himself on women during ostensibly work-related meetings in his office or in hotel rooms, and to have generally used his position at his workplace to silence victims and stay in power.
The reports, from Variety and the New York Times, were published Wednesday afternoon, hours after The North Pole announced that it had fired Jingles the Elf over an allegation about inappropriate sexual conduct with a female staffer.
The inappropriate conduct cited by The North Pole allegedly occurred in 2014 when Jingles was placed in the toy bin with other dolls and female toys The misconduct continued for several months, various outlets have reported.
The New York Times reported late Wednesday that The North Pole had received at least two more complaints related to Jingles the Elf. One complaint came from a former employee who told the Times that Jingles had summoned her to the play room in the basement, locked the door and assaulted her.
The former employee told the Times that Jingles asked her to unbutton her blouse and bent over before he sexually assaulted her. She also said she passed out during the assault and had to be taken to a toy doctor.
Finally, she said she didn’t report the incident because she didn’t want to lose her job and because she felt somehow that it was her fault for not doing more to stop Jingles. Later that year her arm was lost and the children stopped playing with her.
Representatives for Jingles have not responded to requests from Variety or from the New York Times for comment.
Among the many disturbing points raised in the Variety story is that North Pole executives may have long known about Jingles alleged misconduct, but didn’t act. Moreover, Jingle’s behavior might have been something of an open secret around the North Pole.
“Several other dolls told Variety they complained to Santa about Jingle’s behavior, which fell on deaf ears given the lucrative advertising surrounding ‘Christmas’ ” a former reporter quoted in the Variety story said.
For most of Jingles’s tenure as an “Elf on the Shelf,” the holiday was No. 1 in the favorite holidays, and Santa was eager to keep him happy, Variety reported.
Another former reporter, who asked not to be named, told Variety that “management sucks there,” referring to Santa and other high ranking North Pole officials who previously worked at the North Pole “They protected the (expletive) out of Jingles the Elf.”
Variety said its report is based on a two-month investigation and involves dozens of interviews with current and former staffers. Variety said it had also talked to three women who identified themselves as victims of sexual harassment by Jingles the Elf. These women asked to remain unnamed, but their stories have been corroborated by friends or colleagues that they told at the time, Variety said.
In certain respects, these reports about Jingles are not a total surprise. Despite his affable holiday persona, Jingles was long dogged by rumors that he was a “womanizer.”
Page Six reported that he was known to have had consensual relationships with female subordinates. Rumors about an affair with former favorite toy Malibu Barbie grew heated enough in 2016 that both Jingles and Barbie were forced to publicly deny it.
Other allegations outlined in the Variety story, which cited multiple sources, include:
— Jingles once gave a female colleague a sex toy as a present, Variety said. The toy came with an explicit note about how he wanted the colleague to use it.
— Jingles once summoned another female employee to his office, the report said. He dropped his pants and showed where his penis would be if he had one. When she refused to do anything, Jingles reprimanded her for not engaging in a sexual act.
— His office at The North Pole was located in a secluded space, and he had a button under his desk that allowed him to lock his door from the inside. The purpose, according to Variety, allowed him to invite a woman into his office and make a move on her without other people walking in.
— According to multiple accounts, Jingles would invite female North Pole staffers and other toys from the toy bin late at night while watching children in their homes in various cities over the years.
During his time as the “Aberfledy house” Jingles essentially became one of the most recognizable faces of Christmas. That gave him considerable clout over others who toys aroud the house.
Producers told Variety that Jingles would frequently dismiss stories about cheating husbands or about sexual misconduct.
Jingles, and his “North Pole” colleagues, found themselves in increasingly uncomfortable situations in the wake of reports of sexual misconduct allegations against Roger Ailes and Harvey Weinstein.