OnLine Dating Tips-How To Find Your Perfect Match and Have Sex With Them

Get More Dates OnLine

Online dating is perhaps the most difficult challenge anyone has ever had to face in the history of the world.  It is right up there with being born without arms and Tide Pod challenges.  There are many obstacles to overcome when  finding a soulmate online to have sex with.

First you have to convince  them that you are not some weird perverted necrophiliac serial killer, like my weird butcher neighbor probably is.  That is difficult enough challenge in and of itself, and that is not even the hard part.  After you get her to believe that you will not kill her or take her prisoner, then you have to get her to go against her better judgement and the advice of all of her friends and family, and meet a complete stranger in a bar for drinks.  After that, you have to try to get her drunk enough have sex with you, but not so drunk that it seems weird and rapey.  That is certainly a difficult challenge in the #metoo era we are living in right now, but far from impossible.

If you are ready to take the online dating challenge I will show you how to write the perfect on-line dating profile.  My methods guarantee that you will find your soulmate and you live happily ever after, or at least have  semi-consensual sex with a five.

Select a Quality Profile Picture

Some people say that honesty is always the best policy.  Well, those people are all completly full of shit.  Honesty is never the best policy, especially with dating profile pictures.  It is perfectly ok to stretch the truth in a dating profile picture.  I have seen some dating profiles where, given the proper lighting and certain  camera angles, a woman can look 10, 2o, even 200 pounds lighter than she really is.  I met one girl who looked like like a thin sexy model in her profile photo, but looked more like Shamu the Whale when I met her in person.

My point is that it didn’t matter what she looked, or that she was a few hundred pounds heavier than what she led me to believe.   I am not some sort of superficial jerk who only cares about looks. I got her drunk and still had sex with her anyway, because it is what is on the inside of a woman that counts, and that is her vagina.

You don’t always need to put an accurate picture of yourself in online dating. Some people just don’t photograph well, or maybe they photographed better ten years earlier when they were a hundred pounds lighter and not as wrinkled and ugly and beaten down by life.  It is perfectly ok to show people what you used to look ten years ago like in a dating profile picture. In fact, you don’t even need show people what you look like at all.

Online Dating Profile Pictures Are Only A Concept

Your online dating picture  should be more like a conceptualized  idea of what you look like, like abstract art or Jesus.  If you feel attractive on the inside, then it is only fair to trick people into thinking you look attractive on the outside too.  Just because your face looks like a catcher’s mitt and you love doughnuts, that shouldn’t define you as a person.  Your face might be a 2 but your soul is a 9, and that is what really matters.  The images of God are nothing more than abstract ideas, and so should your dating profile picture, especially if you are fat and ugly.

Writing a Dating Profile

I don’t know how many times I heard someone say, “I never know what to say in a dating profile.” This should be the easy part. Say anything.  It doesn’t matter.  You get to be anyone you want to be in an online dating profile.  You could be an airline pilot, a famous juggler,even not married and cheating on your wife on Plenty of Fish.

Who cares?  All if fair in love and war and online dating. In the world of online dating, you get to write your own story.  Creating an alter-ego and making everything up is probably the best way to write an on-line dating profile, unless you are really successful and very well adjusted like I am.  Then it is ok to be honest in this part. When I wrote my dating profile it was like I was paining a self-portrait with words.  Below is the dating profile that I used on several dating sites that almost got me laid once.


About Me

I am mostly disease free, I have no felonies, and I’m not on Megan’s law.   I am not a great catch like a rich old guy, or a guy with a huge penis and great abs.   Most women who meet me say that I am a guy that they can settle for.  I am all that interesting either.  I can’t sing, play guitar, do magic tricks or juggle, but I can do this weird thing with my thumb, and love Dutch ovens.  That’s actually why my first wife left me so of you don’t like Dutch ovens keep moving. I’m not for you.   I know a lot of guys you meet online can be real creeps.  Trust me I am not one of them. Call me old fashion but I’m not going to say something perverted or send a dick pic until like the 3rd or 4th message.

My ideal mate would be someone who is great with kids so they can babysit mine while I’m drinking with my buddies. I am also looking for someone who can take a punch without crying to the cops about it.  I don’t need that kind of drama in my life anymore.  Also please don’t message me things like “Hey baby” Or “Your hot”. Or “I wanna shit on your chest”. I’ve heard all those lines before.  I am looking for something real.   I’m not just booty call.  I’ve been hurt too many times before.

My Ideal First Date

Well it definitely wouldn’t be bowling, go karts, or mini-golf. And it most certainly wouldn’t be a wine-tasting, a walk in the park or rock-climbing. Movies are too boring and dinner is too cliche.  Sex in a truck stop bathroom.  That would be my ideal first date.


Well there you have it.  Online dating is all up to you. Be yourself.  Don’t be yourself.  Lie.  Don’t lie.  It doesn’t really matter what the hell you say or do in the world of online dating.  The only real important lesson I can teach you when it comes to online dating is to wear a condom.  There are alot of diseases out there.  Trust me.

I didn’t wear a rubber one time and two weeks later my dick swelled up to the size of a fucking golf ball,then it got really itchy and started pussing and oozing all over the place.  It was fucking disgusting. Luckily it only turned out to only be poison ivy, but it could have easily been an STD I got from having random unprotected sex with women I met online!

Well I hope you learned a few things from what we talked about here today,  Until next time, happy online dating everyone!

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