Functioning Alcoholism-Disease or Superpower?

Plain Old Alcoholism is a Disease….

Alcoholism is a progressive disease that affects hundreds if not thousands of people in the world.   Because getting drunk is so much fun and Leinenkugel’s Summer Shandy is downright delicious alcoholism can easily affect anyone.  Although there are some people who are more susceptible to  becoming an alcoholic than others, such as homeless people, housewives, ship captains, retired detectives, and rock stars.

The effects of alcoholism can be devastating.  It can make you do things that you would never have done before you had the disease.  Alcoholics will do things like call their ex, steal street signs, and pee just about anywhere, even in some girl’s hamper they mistook for a toilet like I did once.  Some alcoholics will even eat soup with their bare hands or put peanut butter on a hot dog.  Not even cancer could make someone do that.  That is how powerful this disease can be.

…But Functioning Alcoholism Is a SuperPower

WEB MD defines High Functioning Alcoholism (HFA) as a person who maintain a good paying job, family, friends, a social bonds while being addicted to alcohol.   Think about that for a minute.  These people are able accomplish the same things in life drunk that I can’t even do sober.  That is a pretty remarkable feat, and I say kudos to them.  They are superheros in my book.  Superman may be faster than a speeding bullet and sure he can leap tall buildings in a single bound, but let’s see him try to coach a youth soccer team drunk.

Functioning alcoholics are everywhere in our midst.  They walk among us the same way Spiderman does.  They are difficult to spot and they hide their superpower the same way Spider Man does, because they know that with great power comes great responsibility.  This is their gift.  This is their curse.  Just like Spiderman.

4 Ways to Identify Functioning Alcoholics

 1. Functioning alcoholics wear hats that looks exactly like lampshades.

I used to work with a guy for years who had a hat that looked exactly like a lampshade.  It wasn’t until he went to rehab that I found out that it wasn’t a hat at all.  He was actually drunk the whole time and putting a lampshade on his head.

2. They always wear a cologne or perfume that smells exactly like whiskey.

I knew another guy who always came to work wearing this cologne everyday that smelled exactly like whisky.  He ended up going to rehab a few years later and then suddenly switched to Giorgio Armani.   Now that I think about it.  I’ll bet that that wasn’t cologne at all.

3.  Functioning Alcoholics Are Not Narcoleptics.

Just because you find your someone passed out in the middle of the kitchen floor.  Don’t be quick to assume that they are narcoleptics or just really tired.   It took me thirty years to figure that out about my Uncle Walter.  He was that good at covering up his drinking.

4. Remember HFAs are not stroke victims.  They are only drunk.

Trouble walking, problems with balance, slurred speech, cannot see, blurred vision, dizziness, fatigue.  Sound familiar?  Don’t let a functioning alcoholic fool you.  If you see someone with all these symptoms,  remember they are not having a stroke.  They are just hiding the fact that they are drunk.  One time I ran into an old guy sitting on a park bench one time with the same symptoms.  I told him to have another one old timer, and I chuckled to myself and kept jogging.  I knew he was just one of those high functioning alcoholics trying to cover up being a drunk.

Well I hope this provided some insight into the difference between a regular alcoholic and a superhero alcoholic and how to spot one.  Don’t forget to check out some of my other blogs on self esteem, improving your marriage, and having sex with people you meet on the Internet.