7 Ways to Improve Your Marriage-Even If Your Wife Is a Dumb Bitch

Every Marriage Has Its Own Struggles. You Are Not Alone

If you are reading this chances are you are unhappy in your marriage.  Don’t worry you are not alone.  I know exactly what you are going through. I know that you probably hate your spouse.  You probably can’t stand everything about them from how they eat pizza with a fork right down to that stupid high pitched squeal they make when they sneeze.  You are probably sick of taking cold showers because you married a selfish bitch who uses up all the hot water in the mornings.  There is even a chance that you hate the way they never shut up during movies or how they chew their gum like some kind of obnoxious asshole.  I am sure that you don’t like their fat miserable friends and that stupid fake laugh they have when they are with them.  Don’t feel bad.  Every marriage has the exact same set of problems.  You can get through it.

People Who Have Decorative Towels Are Stupid, But That Doesn’t Mean You Can’t Be Married To Them

You can save your marriage.  It doesn’t matter if you married someone who spends all of your hard earned money on stupid nonsense like Pampered Chef, Coach purses or trendy diets.  Or how fed up you are with them nagging you all the time about dumb stuff like not taking out the garbage, making a mess in the kitchen, or not helping with laundry. You can even save your marriage if you are in a relationship with someone who busts your balls constantly just because you used one of their precious stupid fucking decorative hand towels.   Everyone knows that people who buy decorative towels are stupid, but that doesn’t mean that you still can’t be happily married one of them. I can show you how.  I have been through it myself and I can teach you how to save your marriage.

Marriage Is Hard Work

Even if your spouse isn’t a complete moron obsessed with decorative towels.  Maybe they do other things that bother you.  Perhaps they are really bad with money or have really super annoying habits.  They might be overbearing.  Maybe they are emasculating or treat you like a child. They might even just be a straight up asshole.  If you follow my steps, you can learn to look past all of that and still be happily married to them.

Having a deep seeded hatred towards your husband or wife is no reason to not spend the rest of your life with them.  You can still live in the same house with them and see them day in and day out until you are dead. You have heard the saying, “Marriage is hard work..”  Well, it’s even harder when you can’t stand the person your married to.  But that doesn’t mean that saving your marriage is impossible.  That only means that you have to work harder at it than anyone has ever worked at anything in the history of the world.  My marriage was on the rocks and I felt the same way that you are feeling right now.  That was until my wife and I decided to  take a few steps to work on our marriage.  Now we are happier than we have ever been. Here is what we did to work on our relationship

 

Consider Marriage Counseling

My wife and I didn’t actually go to marriage counseling, but we did talk about it a lot.   Marriage counseling comes with a lot of positives. A marriage counselor can act as an objective third party to prove to your wife that you are always right.  They can even reaffirm your belief that your wife is in fact a huge bitch.

The only real drawback to marriage counseling is that it doesn’t work and is giant waste of time and money. Plus, most marriage counselors are completely full of shit.  Marriage counseling is an important first step in saving marriage, and you should at least pretend to take it serious after all of your really big fights.

Pick Your Battles.

My wife and I fought constantly over everything from where to keep our shoes to who our cat liked more.  Another argument we used to get in was who was a better grocery shopper, which was clearly me because she would waste all this money buying ridiculous health food that neither of us ate.   Over the years I learned that those were silly things to fight over. The best way to have a strong healthy relationship is to pick your battles.  In a healthy marriage you should only start fights that you absolutely know you can win, or if you are really drunk.

 

Be on Each Other’s Team

There is no I in Team, but there is an “I” in divorce.   There is also an I in marriage, but ironically enough that is silent.  In any case, it is crucial that  you are on each other’s team and you support one another and empower each other.   Being supportive lets the other one know that you are behind them no matter what.

II don’t know how many times my wife told me that she was going to leave me.  Never once did I try to stop her.  I always supported her decision.  I would always try to encourage her with words of empowerment like “Well then get all your fucking shit and go already.  I’m not going to fucking stopping you.”   One time I got really mad and told her that I wanted a divorce. Not only did she support my decision, she even helped me pack my stuff by throwing all my clothes and shoes out in the front yard.  That is what teamwork looks like in a healthy marriage

Use Healthy Conflict Styles

The backbone of a healthy marriage is a healthy conflict style.  Once you say something to your spouse you can never take it back.  That is why it is so important to choose your words carefully when you fight.  “You” or “You should” statements always comes across as confrontational.   Instead use the less threatening “I” statement.  According to GoodTherapy.org  “I” message or “I” statement is a style of communication that focuses on the feelings or beliefs of the speaker rather than thoughts and characteristics that the speaker attributes to the listener.

I feel____________when you_______________ .”

I am a highly evolved person with a very high emotional I.Q.  Needless to say, I have always had a very healthy conflict style and always use “I” statements.  It was always my wife who was the crazy psycho bitch who would get all crazy whenever I tried to tell her how I was feeling.   Here is an example of a healthy conflict that actually occurred in my marriage.  I approached my wife in a very calm manner and said, “I feel  like your a stupid cunt when you spend 300 dollars that we don’t have on a stupid fucking hair straightener when you could have got one at Walmart for like 3o bucks.”  Notice how I did not start that conversation with a confrontational “you” statement and I picked my battle.  I picked that particular battle because I knew that it was a fight that I could clearly win. Any good marriage counselor will tell you that 300 dollars is clearly way too much money to pay for a stupid fucking hair straightener.

Think About the Children

I don’t mean think about the children when it comes to divorce in the literal sense. People get divorced all them time, and it actually works out in the children’s favor. Kids in broken homes are luckiest kids in the whole wide world. They get two of everything, two Christmas’, two birthdays.  They even have two parents who are always in competition with one another.  When parents are trying to outdo one another, that means two things:  more toys and less rules.  Coming from a broken home should be every kid’s dream.   Children will be fine if you divorce.  You don’t have to worry about them.

When I say think of the children,  I don’t mean the actual children.  I mean the the money you will have to pay your children in support.   There is one guy I know who pays 3500 dollars a month in child support and is so broke that he lives in his parent’s basement.  He should have used more “I” statements and kept his mouth shut about the decorative towels.

Improve Communication and Improve Your Relationship

Non-Verbal Communication.

Be aware of what signals your body language is giving off to your partner.   Nonverbal communication is very powerful, and it can speak much louder than any words.  Non-verbal communication can be something like a dirty look, a slouched posture, dumping a beer over your husband’s head at a baseball game, or even knocking your husband’s tooth out after a Christmas party.  Those are just personal examples  of non-verbal communication that occurred in my marriage.  Always be aware of what your non-verbal communication matches up with what your verbal communication.

Verbal Communication 

Verbal communication is equally important in a marriage.  When you communicate verbally you should be open and honest about everything.  Well, everything except cheating.   You might want to lie about that if you want to save your marriage.  That usually leads to divorce.  After I verbally communicated to my wife that I had sex with a girl I met at a bar, she verbally communicated to me that she had been banging this chubby little Filipino guy at work for the past two years.   We have been divorced for 2 years now and we haven’t been happier.  We don’t fight over making beds, money, dirty dishes or anything anymore really. In fact we hardly even speak to one another, so there is very little risk of having having any pent up resentment or an unhealthy conflict like when we were married.

Conclusion

Just because I didn’t actually save my marriage doesn’t mean that they you can’t save yours.  Keep trying and eventually you and your spouse will be able to tolerate one another someday. I am sure of it.  Until next time, happy marriage saving everyone!

Stay tuned for my upcoming blogs: Defeating Your Ex at Co-Parenting, Raising Children Who Suck at Sports, How To Turn Gay Children Straight and Getting Out of Paying Child Support.

Feel free to leave comments or email me at ajaberfeldy@gmail.com if you would like to know more about me or how I became a Life Champion.

Should An Aspiring Author Write a Book or Just Get a Face Tattoo Instead?

Argument for Writing a Book

I always wanted to be an author, so when I turned 38 and had a midlife crisis I decided to write a book.  I spent almost two years working two jobs, raising kids, and still getting up before work at 4 a.m. everyday to accomplish my goal.  After writing, rewriting, editing, and rewriting some more I finally finished it this past July and listed it on Amazon.  It was beautiful. I promoted it, put it on Facebook, tweeted it, retweeted it,  put it book promotion sites, listed it on Good Reads, created an author bio page, told my friends, told my family, and after hours upon hours of promoting my Magnum Opus, I sold a 12 copies.  Shit, I’ve given more money to bums just for being bums.  I once threw two bucks at a bum in Baltimore and I think he might have been dead.  Meanwhile none of my friend’s were willing to give me a dollar for my book.  My family didn’t buy it.  My own mom didn’t even buy a copy. I finally got my cousin from Jersey  to buy a copy, but I had to call him 20 times at 3 a.m. to do it, and I’ll bet he is the dick who gave it three stars.

Argument For Getting a Face Tattoo

It is probably easier to just be one of these assholes on this Go Fund Me Site who make money just by asking for it.  I spent a year and half writing a  4.4 star fucking masterpiece, and I made a whopping $2.43.  Meanwhile, two stinky unemployed hippies want money so they can buy a van, and people are just fucking giving it to them.  They made close to  5,000 doing this. My fucking head almost exploded when I saw this.  I saw another young hipster couple from Washington named Jen and Brad’s Go-Fund Me account for a honeymoon in Paris. Those two fucktards made over 3,000.  I saw another guy raise 800 dollars on Go Fund Me because he wants to write a book.   He didn’t even fucking write it yet. That is exactly $797.57 more than I made from actually writing one.  Fuck me.

Another woman, and this one is my favorite.  Get this.  She raised 800 dollars in one day to have a 420 tattoo removed from her face.    In a lifetime of writing, I won’t make what that asshole made off of her face tattoo in one day.  To all you struggling wanna be writers out there.  Give Up! Fuck It! Just get a face tattoo.  You’d make more money.

 

Should I Write a Book or Just Get Face Tattoo Instead

Argument for Writing a Book

I spent over a year working two jobs, raising kids, and getting up before work at 4 a.m.  everyday before work to accomplish my goal of writing a book.  I finally finished it and listed it on Amazon.  I promoted it, put it on Facebook, tweeted it, put it this site called Book Butterfly, listed it on Good Reads, created an author bio page, told my friends, told my family, and after hours upon hours of promoting, writing and rewriting my Magnum Opus, only 12 people fucking bought my goddamn book.  My mom didn’t even buy a fucking copy for Christ’s sake.   None of my friends bought it.  None of my family bought it.  I even sent it to them as a gift in an email, and they never even humored me and opened it.  I was selling my entire life’s work for .99 cents and no one bought it.  I’ve given more money than that to bums just for being bums.

Argument For Getting a Face Tattoo

Then I see these assholes on this Go Fund Me Site making money hand over fist just by asking for it.  I spent a year and half writing a  4.4 star fucking masterpiece, and I made a whopping $2.43.  Meanwhile, two stinky unemployed hippies want money so they can buy a van, and people are just fucking giving it to them.  They made close to  5,000.  I saw some young hipster couple from Washington named Jen and Brad with a Go-Fund Me account so they can have a honeymoon in Paris.  Who needs to work for that money when you could just ask people to give it to you ? Those two fucktards made over 3,000.  I saw one guy raise 800 dollars on Go Fund Me because he wants to write a book.   He didn’t actually write it yet. That is exactly $797.57 more than I made actually writing a book.

Another woman, and this one is my favorite.  She raised 800 dollars in one day to have a 420 tattoo removed from her face.    In a lifetime of writing, I won’t make what that asshole made off of her face tattoo in one day.  To all you struggling wanna be writers out there.  Give Up! Fuck It! Just get a face tattoo.

 

How I Overcame My Own Personal Struggle With Dwarfism

Why Is It So Easy For People to Use the “M” word?

There is a great paradox in our country when it comes to derogatory slurs.  People tend to use the word “midget” freely and often, not taking it’s impact very seriously. Meanwhile the”N” word has possibly become the most powerful word in the English language.  It is up there on the Mount Rushmore or offensive terms, right next to the big ones like beef curtains, moose knuckle, and even blumpkin. The mere utterance of the “N” word by a non-black in our country will have them ostericied and shunned as one of lowest forms of life in our society today.  They will wind up being labeled as either a racist, a white fake-ass wanna-be nigga little bitch, or worst yet a Trump supporter.

What Can Dwarfs Do To Change How They Are Viewed?

How did this happen?  How did the “M” word wind up becoming the “N” word’s retarded little brother that no one respects or takes serious?   The answer to that question is quite simple really.  The truth is that people just aren’t as scared of dwarfs as they are of black people.  That is just the harsh reality that exists in out society today.

Dwarfs don’t have guns and kill people like black people do.  No dwarf rapper is named Uncle Murda.  There aren’t any famous dwarf rappers in prison. There are no scary dwarf neighborhoods that I am afraid to go into. Not a lot of dwarfs have really intimidating neck or face tattoos like black people do. I can’t even remember the last time a bunch of dwarfs got together and lit an entire city on fire, and then looted diapers and flat screens like after the Ferguson riots.  And you never hear a dwarf call another dwarf a midget, then say it is ok if we call each other it.  Until dwarfs toughen up and start following black people’s blueprint for stopping the use of the “N” word, I am afraid these little peoplel will have a very steep uphill climb towards dwarf equality.

My Own Person Struggles With Dwarfism

As a former dwarf myself, I am taking a stand for the little guy (this time the pun was intended, get it?).   For many years I  had to face my own struggles with dwarfism, so I know exactly what it feels like to be a cute little midget.  I mean little person.  Sorry, bad habit.

When I was a dwarf and smaller than everyone else I needed those booster seats at McDonalds.  My feet didn’t reach the pedals on my bike.  My height was constantly an issue, and size discrimination was always in the forefront of my consciousness.  Amusement parks always said I was too small to go on all the cool rides.  I wasn’t legally allowed to use an adult seat belt.  I wasn’t even allowed to play footballs with all of my dickhead older cousins from Jersey at a family picnics.  Fucking assholes.

I eventually grew up and became a tall normal sized non-dwarf human. However, I still never forgot all of the struggles I had to endure during my time as a Little Person.  Dwarfs will always hold a very special place in my heart. Now every time I play dwarf toss at a bachelor party, or I am pointing and laughing at one, I give them a polite little nod of approval, just to let them know  that I once too a dwarf, just like them.

As a former dwarf myself, I will never use the “M” word again. That is unless I absolutely have to. Like if I wanted to hire Mighty Mike Midget to breathe fire and make balloon animals at my son’s birthday.  Well then I would have to use the “M” word because that is part of his stage name.  Other than that, I will never use that word again.  Even if I see one in real life, as I am pointing and laughing at him I will say, “Oh look over there at that funny looking little Mid…I mean dwarf.”

To read more stories  like this one, please check out my book. “It Happens To A Lot of Guys:  How I Overcame My Pooping Addiction and Other Inspirational Stories”

What Is Causing So Many Women To Be Fat? The Answer May Shock You

The Cause of the Fat Woman Epidemic

There are a many different types of fat women, and they gain weight for a variety of reasons.  There are stress eaters, binge eaters, yo-yo dieters, women with baby weight, and there are even some women who simply love going to Hoss’s and eating at Chinese buffets.   There is also another type of fat woman that is frequently misdiagnosed and on the rise.  That is the fat woman with Hypothyroidism.

At a recent wedding I met a friend of mine whose wife gained close to 100 pounds since I last saw her.  As she was eating a mountain of bacon wrapped shrimp and stuffed mushrooms, she told me her weight gain was because of her underactive thyroid.  This me wonder how many other fat women are plagued with this crippling disease.  I consulted with a friend of mine who is not a doctor, but does think he is a know-it-all.  I met with him over some beer and wings in hope that he would be able to shed some light on this topic, and what he said shocked me. He told me that hypothyroidism is a disease that causes a woman’s thyroid gland to stop producing the hormone that makes her thin and attractive.  I never knew being fat was linked to a medical condition.  I weigh over 270 pounds myself, and I couldn’t help but  wonder if maybe it was my underactive thyroid causing me to wear size 40 pants, as I inhaled my last chicken wing and ordered another beer.

How To Tell If A Woman Has An Underactive Thyroid?

  1. A woman with an underactive thyroid will develop insatiable desire for bacon.  An increased consumption of bacon, ham, or any other pork products is strong indicator of an underactive thyroid.   The same can also be said for various breads, cheeses, mashed potatoes, hamburgers, and gravy.
  2. Sugar cravings is another classic symptom of hypothyroidism.   A woman with hypothyroidism will get low blood sugar, and she will need to eat an entire box of Little Debbie’s, a whole birthday cake, or even a half-gallon of ice cream just to get it regulated.
  3.  If a fat woman refuses to exercise or go to the gym, it is not because they are being lazy, and it is insensitive to think otherwise.  They have actually developed an allergic reaction to exercise caused by their underactive thyroid.  That is why so many fat people with underactive thyroids hide all of their exercise equipment in basements and closets or try to sell it at yard sales and on Facebook.
  4. Increased television watching and difficulty getting up off the couch.  If your wife develops hypothyroidism, you will notice that she is lying on the couch more than usual and watching way more television than she did before.  If you find her taking intermittent naps while binge watching the Bachelor her T4 levels are at a critical level and she needs medical attention immediately.

What Are The Cures For Hypothyroidism

I will start by telling you what does not work to treat an underactive thyroid.  Trendy fad diets.   A lady I worked with who had an underactive thyroid tried to do the Cheese Pizza Cleanse to disastrous results.  I watched her eat a whole pizza three days a week for lunch for about 4 years in an attempt to lose weight, only to gain 50 pounds.

Getting tattoos about change doesn’t work either.  Another fat person I knew got a tattoo about change on her forearm to inspire her to lose weight.  She stared at that tattoo as she doughnut after doughnut after doughnut in hopes of losing weight, but  it was no use.  Her slow metabolism could not keep up with the dozens of doughnuts she ate for breakfast every day.  It wasn’t until she had gastric bypass surgery that she finally lost the weight, which is a method that actually does work as a treatment for an underactive thyroid.  Apparently having a smaller stomach stops producing the hormone that makes you eat like a pig.

A surprising recent studies done by the Endocrine clinic actually show that the way to cure an underactive  thyroid is to lose the weight in the first place:  “But now new research is questioning whether the link could go the other way, according to Cari Kitahara, PhD, MHS, an epidemiologist at the National Cancer Institute. Some investigations suggest that the excess weight may be slowing down the thyroid, instead of a slow thyroid making it easy to pack on the pounds. Dr. Kitahara presented her findings on obesity, thyroid function and weight at the 86th annual meeting of the American Thyroid Association in Denver Sept. 24.1″  Understanding the link between weight and thyroid is crucial, she and others say, because obesity raises your risk of getting thyroid cancer. And if her research and that of others bears out, treating an overweight person with thyroid medication may be the wrong course of action, she says, if in fact the weight gain is what made the thyroid sluggish. The better approach, in some cases, may be weight loss.1

That new information really sucks for all of us fat people.  I guess it’s our own fault for being fat after all.  What a bummer.  I was just getting used to blaming my huge beer gut on my slow thyroid too.

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