How To Have a Gambling Problem Without Defaulting On Your Student Loans

Student Loans Can Be Really Scary

It was six months after graduation when the calls started. I would see those dastardly 800 numbers calling, and my sweet naive mom was always telling me to answer because it might be a call for a job interview, but I knew better.  I knew who exactly who it was calling.  It was that evil bitch goddess Sallie Mae.  Like a siren she lured me with her temptation of spring breaks in Cancun, living off campus, and really good weed.  Now that vile whore had come to collect.  She wanted her money, and she was going to get it anyway she could.  I knew that needed to  something to keep that viper at bay.

Biggest Student Loan Mistake I Made

I tried ignoring the phone calls for a litter over a year in hopes that they would just stop bothering me and eventually send me a letter that says, “Don’t worry about it.”   Then one day in August of 2007 it happened.  I’ll be honest.  It came as a shock to me. It came as a shock to everyone. Never did I think that would happen to me.  I always thought that sort of stuff only happened to Philosophy majors.

I had defaulted on my student loans.  With one foul swoop my American dream was dead, the house, the white picket fence, the Golden Retriever, vacations in Disney, a man cave, good bourbon, high speed internet, the Sports Package on Dish, expensive cigars. It was all robbed from me on that day, because you need good credit to buy all that stuff.   It looked as if I would be living with my parents forever.

Remember Student Loan Debt is Not Your Fault

Student loan lenders will always try to trick you into thinking it is your fault for defaulting.  Trust me it is not. They tried to blame me too.  Look, if they were stupid enough to lend forty thousand dollars to an unemployed, seventeen year old pot head with no job, money, or established credit, well shame on them!  I don’t know why they had their panties all up in a bunch because I wasn’t paying back my measly 45,000 student loan.  Not paying back debt was what this country was built on for Christ sake.

How I Learned To Manage My Student Loans

I hate the word default. Saying you’re in default just sounds so embarrassing. Telling someone you are in default is almost like telling them you have Herpes.  People are always going to judge you and treat you different.  I knew that my life would be ruined if I didn’t do something, so I called them and asked them what I could do to fix it.  At first they told me that I could pay my past due balance, which was like two thousand dollars or some ridiculous number. I immediately scoffed at such a ludicrous suggestion.  Then the lady told me about another more realistic option.  She told me that I could consolidate my loans, and then I could put them in this thing called economic hardship forbearance where I didn’t have to pay any of it for one full year. Now she was talking my language.

If you have never heard of an economic hardship forbearance and you have student loans, you don’t know what you are missing. I have used a bunch of these over the years, and they come in real handy when you don’t feel like wasting all your hard earned money on something as boring as paying back a loan.  That way you can spend your money on something a little more exciting.  Maybe you want a new car. Maybe you want to take that dream vacation of a lifetime.  Maybe you simply like to gamble or have a drug addiction.  I know those kinds of hobbies can get to be pretty gosh darn expensive.  My point is that it is your hard earned money and it’s yours to spend however you like.  You shouldn’t have to pay back a loan if you don’t want to.  This is America for Christ’s sake.

What is a Forbearance?

Here is how the forbearance works.   It is actually really easy. You just call them and tell them you don’t want to pay back your loan anymore.  They will warn you that it will continue to accrue interest, and try to convince you to try and pay it back.  Don’t listen to them. This is just standard negotiation tactics.  It is probably federal law or something.  Don’t give in to them when they try to bully you into paying a past due balance or anything like that.  It is your constitutional right as an American citizen to not pay back a student loan if you don’t want to. Simply tell them no thank you, I cannot afford to pay my student loan at this time and they will give you the forbearance, and the harassing letters and phone calls will cease for one full year. Those were some of the best years of my life.

Now don’t get me wrong, forbearances are not all sunshine and rainbows. Everything leading up to the forbearance can be a very stressful, as any debt it.  Debt is a terrible, terrible thing, and I am not advocating for people to go into debt.  I am simply recommending that if you do, you shouldn’t have to pay it back if you don’t want to.  That is what we need to be clear on here.

With one brief phone call my student loan was officially in forbearance.  It was by far the best day of my life.    I have been in love before, and I  have seen the birth of my children. I had have even peed after a really long car ride and gotten a massage once.  But I have to say, there is no better feeling in the world then getting forbearance on a student loan.

For more information on how I learned to live like a champion, check out my book: Lessons From a Life Champion.  It is only .99 cents and it will change your life.  My 3rd cousin from Jersey didn’t read it and he is still using heroin.  My nan and pap didn’t read it either. Now they are both dead.  This book will change your life.  Just ask the guy lives down the street from me who just got a D.U.I. He didn’t read it either.  Check it out.  You won’t regret it. 

7 Ways to Improve Your Marriage-Even If Your Wife Is a Dumb Bitch

Every Marriage Has Its Own Struggles. You Are Not Alone

If you are reading this chances are you are unhappy in your marriage.  Don’t worry you are not alone.  I know exactly what you are going through. I know that you probably hate your spouse.  You probably can’t stand everything about them from how they eat pizza with a fork right down to that stupid high pitched squeal they make when they sneeze.  You are probably sick of taking cold showers because you married a selfish bitch who uses up all the hot water in the mornings.  There is even a chance that you hate the way they never shut up during movies or how they chew their gum like some kind of obnoxious asshole.  I am sure that you don’t like their fat miserable friends and that stupid fake laugh they have when they are with them.  Don’t feel bad.  Every marriage has the exact same set of problems.  You can get through it.

People Who Have Decorative Towels Are Stupid, But That Doesn’t Mean You Can’t Be Married To Them

You can save your marriage.  It doesn’t matter if you married someone who spends all of your hard earned money on stupid nonsense like Pampered Chef, Coach purses or trendy diets.  Or how fed up you are with them nagging you all the time about dumb stuff like not taking out the garbage, making a mess in the kitchen, or not helping with laundry. You can even save your marriage if you are in a relationship with someone who busts your balls constantly just because you used one of their precious stupid fucking decorative hand towels.   Everyone knows that people who buy decorative towels are stupid, but that doesn’t mean that you still can’t be happily married one of them. I can show you how.  I have been through it myself and I can teach you how to save your marriage.

Marriage Is Hard Work

Even if your spouse isn’t a complete moron obsessed with decorative towels.  Maybe they do other things that bother you.  Perhaps they are really bad with money or have really super annoying habits.  They might be overbearing.  Maybe they are emasculating or treat you like a child. They might even just be a straight up asshole.  If you follow my steps, you can learn to look past all of that and still be happily married to them.

Having a deep seeded hatred towards your husband or wife is no reason to not spend the rest of your life with them.  You can still live in the same house with them and see them day in and day out until you are dead. You have heard the saying, “Marriage is hard work..”  Well, it’s even harder when you can’t stand the person your married to.  But that doesn’t mean that saving your marriage is impossible.  That only means that you have to work harder at it than anyone has ever worked at anything in the history of the world.  My marriage was on the rocks and I felt the same way that you are feeling right now.  That was until my wife and I decided to  take a few steps to work on our marriage.  Now we are happier than we have ever been. Here is what we did to work on our relationship

 

Consider Marriage Counseling

My wife and I didn’t actually go to marriage counseling, but we did talk about it a lot.   Marriage counseling comes with a lot of positives. A marriage counselor can act as an objective third party to prove to your wife that you are always right.  They can even reaffirm your belief that your wife is in fact a huge bitch.

The only real drawback to marriage counseling is that it doesn’t work and is giant waste of time and money. Plus, most marriage counselors are completely full of shit.  Marriage counseling is an important first step in saving marriage, and you should at least pretend to take it serious after all of your really big fights.

Pick Your Battles.

My wife and I fought constantly over everything from where to keep our shoes to who our cat liked more.  Another argument we used to get in was who was a better grocery shopper, which was clearly me because she would waste all this money buying ridiculous health food that neither of us ate.   Over the years I learned that those were silly things to fight over. The best way to have a strong healthy relationship is to pick your battles.  In a healthy marriage you should only start fights that you absolutely know you can win, or if you are really drunk.

 

Be on Each Other’s Team

There is no I in Team, but there is an “I” in divorce.   There is also an I in marriage, but ironically enough that is silent.  In any case, it is crucial that  you are on each other’s team and you support one another and empower each other.   Being supportive lets the other one know that you are behind them no matter what.

II don’t know how many times my wife told me that she was going to leave me.  Never once did I try to stop her.  I always supported her decision.  I would always try to encourage her with words of empowerment like “Well then get all your fucking shit and go already.  I’m not going to fucking stopping you.”   One time I got really mad and told her that I wanted a divorce. Not only did she support my decision, she even helped me pack my stuff by throwing all my clothes and shoes out in the front yard.  That is what teamwork looks like in a healthy marriage

Use Healthy Conflict Styles

The backbone of a healthy marriage is a healthy conflict style.  Once you say something to your spouse you can never take it back.  That is why it is so important to choose your words carefully when you fight.  “You” or “You should” statements always comes across as confrontational.   Instead use the less threatening “I” statement.  According to GoodTherapy.org  “I” message or “I” statement is a style of communication that focuses on the feelings or beliefs of the speaker rather than thoughts and characteristics that the speaker attributes to the listener.

I feel____________when you_______________ .”

I am a highly evolved person with a very high emotional I.Q.  Needless to say, I have always had a very healthy conflict style and always use “I” statements.  It was always my wife who was the crazy psycho bitch who would get all crazy whenever I tried to tell her how I was feeling.   Here is an example of a healthy conflict that actually occurred in my marriage.  I approached my wife in a very calm manner and said, “I feel  like your a stupid cunt when you spend 300 dollars that we don’t have on a stupid fucking hair straightener when you could have got one at Walmart for like 3o bucks.”  Notice how I did not start that conversation with a confrontational “you” statement and I picked my battle.  I picked that particular battle because I knew that it was a fight that I could clearly win. Any good marriage counselor will tell you that 300 dollars is clearly way too much money to pay for a stupid fucking hair straightener.

Think About the Children

I don’t mean think about the children when it comes to divorce in the literal sense. People get divorced all them time, and it actually works out in the children’s favor. Kids in broken homes are luckiest kids in the whole wide world. They get two of everything, two Christmas’, two birthdays.  They even have two parents who are always in competition with one another.  When parents are trying to outdo one another, that means two things:  more toys and less rules.  Coming from a broken home should be every kid’s dream.   Children will be fine if you divorce.  You don’t have to worry about them.

When I say think of the children,  I don’t mean the actual children.  I mean the the money you will have to pay your children in support.   There is one guy I know who pays 3500 dollars a month in child support and is so broke that he lives in his parent’s basement.  He should have used more “I” statements and kept his mouth shut about the decorative towels.

Improve Communication and Improve Your Relationship

Non-Verbal Communication.

Be aware of what signals your body language is giving off to your partner.   Nonverbal communication is very powerful, and it can speak much louder than any words.  Non-verbal communication can be something like a dirty look, a slouched posture, dumping a beer over your husband’s head at a baseball game, or even knocking your husband’s tooth out after a Christmas party.  Those are just personal examples  of non-verbal communication that occurred in my marriage.  Always be aware of what your non-verbal communication matches up with what your verbal communication.

Verbal Communication 

Verbal communication is equally important in a marriage.  When you communicate verbally you should be open and honest about everything.  Well, everything except cheating.   You might want to lie about that if you want to save your marriage.  That usually leads to divorce.  After I verbally communicated to my wife that I had sex with a girl I met at a bar, she verbally communicated to me that she had been banging this chubby little Filipino guy at work for the past two years.   We have been divorced for 2 years now and we haven’t been happier.  We don’t fight over making beds, money, dirty dishes or anything anymore really. In fact we hardly even speak to one another, so there is very little risk of having having any pent up resentment or an unhealthy conflict like when we were married.

Conclusion

Just because I didn’t actually save my marriage doesn’t mean that they you can’t save yours.  Keep trying and eventually you and your spouse will be able to tolerate one another someday. I am sure of it.  Until next time, happy marriage saving everyone!

Stay tuned for my upcoming blogs: Defeating Your Ex at Co-Parenting, Raising Children Who Suck at Sports, How To Turn Gay Children Straight and Getting Out of Paying Child Support.

Feel free to leave comments or email me at ajaberfeldy@gmail.com if you would like to know more about me or how I became a Life Champion.

Should An Aspiring Author Write a Book or Just Get a Face Tattoo Instead?

Argument for Writing a Book

I always wanted to be an author, so when I turned 38 and had a midlife crisis I decided to write a book.  I spent almost two years working two jobs, raising kids, and still getting up before work at 4 a.m. everyday to accomplish my goal.  After writing, rewriting, editing, and rewriting some more I finally finished it this past July and listed it on Amazon.  It was beautiful. I promoted it, put it on Facebook, tweeted it, retweeted it,  put it book promotion sites, listed it on Good Reads, created an author bio page, told my friends, told my family, and after hours upon hours of promoting my Magnum Opus, I sold a 12 copies.  Shit, I’ve given more money to bums just for being bums.  I once threw two bucks at a bum in Baltimore and I think he might have been dead.  Meanwhile none of my friend’s were willing to give me a dollar for my book.  My family didn’t buy it.  My own mom didn’t even buy a copy. I finally got my cousin from Jersey  to buy a copy, but I had to call him 20 times at 3 a.m. to do it, and I’ll bet he is the dick who gave it three stars.

Argument For Getting a Face Tattoo

It is probably easier to just be one of these assholes on this Go Fund Me Site who make money just by asking for it.  I spent a year and half writing a  4.4 star fucking masterpiece, and I made a whopping $2.43.  Meanwhile, two stinky unemployed hippies want money so they can buy a van, and people are just fucking giving it to them.  They made close to  5,000 doing this. My fucking head almost exploded when I saw this.  I saw another young hipster couple from Washington named Jen and Brad’s Go-Fund Me account for a honeymoon in Paris. Those two fucktards made over 3,000.  I saw another guy raise 800 dollars on Go Fund Me because he wants to write a book.   He didn’t even fucking write it yet. That is exactly $797.57 more than I made from actually writing one.  Fuck me.

Another woman, and this one is my favorite.  Get this.  She raised 800 dollars in one day to have a 420 tattoo removed from her face.    In a lifetime of writing, I won’t make what that asshole made off of her face tattoo in one day.  To all you struggling wanna be writers out there.  Give Up! Fuck It! Just get a face tattoo.  You’d make more money.

 

Should I Write a Book or Just Get Face Tattoo Instead

Argument for Writing a Book

I spent over a year working two jobs, raising kids, and getting up before work at 4 a.m.  everyday before work to accomplish my goal of writing a book.  I finally finished it and listed it on Amazon.  I promoted it, put it on Facebook, tweeted it, put it this site called Book Butterfly, listed it on Good Reads, created an author bio page, told my friends, told my family, and after hours upon hours of promoting, writing and rewriting my Magnum Opus, only 12 people fucking bought my goddamn book.  My mom didn’t even buy a fucking copy for Christ’s sake.   None of my friends bought it.  None of my family bought it.  I even sent it to them as a gift in an email, and they never even humored me and opened it.  I was selling my entire life’s work for .99 cents and no one bought it.  I’ve given more money than that to bums just for being bums.

Argument For Getting a Face Tattoo

Then I see these assholes on this Go Fund Me Site making money hand over fist just by asking for it.  I spent a year and half writing a  4.4 star fucking masterpiece, and I made a whopping $2.43.  Meanwhile, two stinky unemployed hippies want money so they can buy a van, and people are just fucking giving it to them.  They made close to  5,000.  I saw some young hipster couple from Washington named Jen and Brad with a Go-Fund Me account so they can have a honeymoon in Paris.  Who needs to work for that money when you could just ask people to give it to you ? Those two fucktards made over 3,000.  I saw one guy raise 800 dollars on Go Fund Me because he wants to write a book.   He didn’t actually write it yet. That is exactly $797.57 more than I made actually writing a book.

Another woman, and this one is my favorite.  She raised 800 dollars in one day to have a 420 tattoo removed from her face.    In a lifetime of writing, I won’t make what that asshole made off of her face tattoo in one day.  To all you struggling wanna be writers out there.  Give Up! Fuck It! Just get a face tattoo.

 

How I Overcame My Own Personal Struggle With Dwarfism

Why Is It So Easy For People to Use the “M” word?

There is a great paradox in our country when it comes to derogatory slurs.  People tend to use the word “midget” freely and often, not taking it’s impact very seriously. Meanwhile the”N” word has possibly become the most powerful word in the English language.  It is up there on the Mount Rushmore or offensive terms, right next to the big ones like beef curtains, moose knuckle, and even blumpkin. The mere utterance of the “N” word by a non-black in our country will have them ostericied and shunned as one of lowest forms of life in our society today.  They will wind up being labeled as either a racist, a white fake-ass wanna-be nigga little bitch, or worst yet a Trump supporter.

What Can Dwarfs Do To Change How They Are Viewed?

How did this happen?  How did the “M” word wind up becoming the “N” word’s retarded little brother that no one respects or takes serious?   The answer to that question is quite simple really.  The truth is that people just aren’t as scared of dwarfs as they are of black people.  That is just the harsh reality that exists in out society today.

Dwarfs don’t have guns and kill people like black people do.  No dwarf rapper is named Uncle Murda.  There aren’t any famous dwarf rappers in prison. There are no scary dwarf neighborhoods that I am afraid to go into. Not a lot of dwarfs have really intimidating neck or face tattoos like black people do. I can’t even remember the last time a bunch of dwarfs got together and lit an entire city on fire, and then looted diapers and flat screens like after the Ferguson riots.  And you never hear a dwarf call another dwarf a midget, then say it is ok if we call each other it.  Until dwarfs toughen up and start following black people’s blueprint for stopping the use of the “N” word, I am afraid these little peoplel will have a very steep uphill climb towards dwarf equality.

My Own Person Struggles With Dwarfism

As a former dwarf myself, I am taking a stand for the little guy (this time the pun was intended, get it?).   For many years I  had to face my own struggles with dwarfism, so I know exactly what it feels like to be a cute little midget.  I mean little person.  Sorry, bad habit.

When I was a dwarf and smaller than everyone else I needed those booster seats at McDonalds.  My feet didn’t reach the pedals on my bike.  My height was constantly an issue, and size discrimination was always in the forefront of my consciousness.  Amusement parks always said I was too small to go on all the cool rides.  I wasn’t legally allowed to use an adult seat belt.  I wasn’t even allowed to play footballs with all of my dickhead older cousins from Jersey at a family picnics.  Fucking assholes.

I eventually grew up and became a tall normal sized non-dwarf human. However, I still never forgot all of the struggles I had to endure during my time as a Little Person.  Dwarfs will always hold a very special place in my heart. Now every time I play dwarf toss at a bachelor party, or I am pointing and laughing at one, I give them a polite little nod of approval, just to let them know  that I once too a dwarf, just like them.

As a former dwarf myself, I will never use the “M” word again. That is unless I absolutely have to. Like if I wanted to hire Mighty Mike Midget to breathe fire and make balloon animals at my son’s birthday.  Well then I would have to use the “M” word because that is part of his stage name.  Other than that, I will never use that word again.  Even if I see one in real life, as I am pointing and laughing at him I will say, “Oh look over there at that funny looking little Mid…I mean dwarf.”

To read more stories  like this one, please check out my book. “It Happens To A Lot of Guys:  How I Overcame My Pooping Addiction and Other Inspirational Stories”

What Is Causing So Many Women To Be Fat? The Answer May Shock You

The Cause of the Fat Woman Epidemic

There are a many different types of fat women, and they gain weight for a variety of reasons.  There are stress eaters, binge eaters, yo-yo dieters, women with baby weight, and there are even some women who simply love going to Hoss’s and Chinese buffets.   There is also another type of fat woman that is frequently misdiagnosed and on the rise.  That is the fat woman with Hypothyroidism.

At a recent wedding I met a friend of mine whose wife gained close to 100 pounds since I last saw her.  As she was eating a mountain of bacon wrapped shrimp and stuffed mushrooms, she told me her weight gain was because of her underactive thyroid.  This me wonder how many other fat women are plagued with this crippling disease.  I consulted with a friend of mine who is not a doctor, but does think he is a know-it-all.  I met with him over some beer and wings in hope that he would be able to shed some light on this topic, and what he said shocked me. He told me that hypothyroidism is a disease that causes a woman’s thyroid gland to stop producing the hormone that makes her thin and attractive.  I never knew being fat was linked to a medical condition.  I weigh over 270 pounds myself, and I couldn’t help but  wonder if maybe it was my underactive thyroid causing me to wear size 40 pants, as I inhaled my last chicken wing and ordered another beer.

How To Tell If A Woman Has An Underactive Thyroid?

  1. A woman with an underactive thyroid will develop insatiable desire for bacon.  An increased consumption of bacon, ham, or any other pork products is strong indicator of an underactive thyroid.   The same can also be said for various breads, cheeses, mashed potatoes, hamburgers, and gravy.
  2. Sugar cravings is another classic symptom of hypothyroidism.   A woman with hypothyroidism will get low blood sugar, and she will need to eat an entire box of Little Debbie’s, a whole birthday cake, or even a half-gallon of ice cream just to get it regulated.
  3.  If a fat woman refuses to exercise or go to the gym, it is not because they are being lazy, and it is insensitive to think otherwise.  They have actually developed an allergic reaction to exercise caused by their underactive thyroid.  That is why so many fat people with underactive thyroids hide all of their exercise equipment in basements and closets or try to sell it at yard sales and on Facebook.
  4. Increased television watching and difficulty getting up off the couch.  If your wife develops hypothyroidism, you will notice that she is lying on the couch more than usual and watching way more television than she did before.  If you find her taking intermittent naps while binge watching the Bachelor her T4 levels are at a critical level and she needs medical attention immediately.

What Are The Cures For Hypothyroidism

I will start by telling you what does not work to treat an underactive thyroid.  Trendy fad diets.   A lady I worked with who had an underactive thyroid tried to do the Cheese Pizza Cleanse to disastrous results.  I watched her eat a whole pizza three days a week for lunch for about 4 years in an attempt to lose weight, only to gain 50 pounds.

Getting tattoos about change doesn’t work either.  Another fat person I knew got a tattoo about change on her forearm to inspire her to lose weight.  She stared at that tattoo as she doughnut after doughnut after doughnut in hopes of losing weight, but  it was no use.  Her slow metabolism could not keep up with the dozens of doughnuts she ate for breakfast every day.  It wasn’t until she had gastric bypass surgery that she finally lost the weight, which is a method that actually does work as a treatment for an underactive thyroid.  Apparently having a smaller stomach stops producing the hormone that makes you eat like a pig.

A surprising recent studies done by the Endocrine clinic actually show that the way to cure an underactive  thyroid is to lose the weight in the first place:  “But now new research is questioning whether the link could go the other way, according to Cari Kitahara, PhD, MHS, an epidemiologist at the National Cancer Institute. Some investigations suggest that the excess weight may be slowing down the thyroid, instead of a slow thyroid making it easy to pack on the pounds. Dr. Kitahara presented her findings on obesity, thyroid function and weight at the 86th annual meeting of the American Thyroid Association in Denver Sept. 24.1″  Understanding the link between weight and thyroid is crucial, she and others say, because obesity raises your risk of getting thyroid cancer. And if her research and that of others bears out, treating an overweight person with thyroid medication may be the wrong course of action, she says, if in fact the weight gain is what made the thyroid sluggish. The better approach, in some cases, may be weight loss.1

That new information really sucks for all of us fat people.  I guess it’s our own fault for being fat after all.  What a bummer.  I was just getting used to blaming my huge beer gut on my slow thyroid too.

Don’t forget to check out my book: That Guy-Life Is Hard…Especially When You’re an As*hole

Are Functioning Alcoholics Really Super Heroes?

What is Alcoholism?

Alcoholism is a progressive disease that affects hundreds of people in the world.   Because getting drunk is so much fun and beers such as Leinenkugel’s Summer Shandy can be so delicious anyone can become easily become addicted to alcohol.  However, there are some people who are more susceptible to  becoming an alcoholic than others, such as homeless people, housewives, ship captains, down and out detectives, and most rock stars.

The effects of alcoholism can be devastating.  Alcoholism can destroy your liver and your brain.  Worst of all it will make you call your ex, steal street signs, and pee just about anywhere, even in your wife’s friend’s hamper at a New Year’s eve party.  You may even find yourself coming home from the bar and doing things like eating a whole pound of outdated cheese or your kids school lunch that your wife packed the night before.  That is disgusting behavior.  Not even cancer would cause someone eat their kids school lunch.  That is how powerful this disease can be.

What Is Functioning Alcoholism and Why Is It a SuperPower

WEB MD defines High Functioning Alcoholism (HFA) as a person who maintain a good paying job, family, friends, a social bonds while being addicted to alcohol.   These people are able accomplish the same things in life being drunk all day that I am not able to do sober.   Superman may be faster than a speeding bullet and sure he can leap tall buildings in a single bound, but not even Superman can coach his son’s youth soccer team drunk.

Functioning alcoholics are everywhere in our midst.  They sit silently in the shadows watching and waiting, just like X-Men and Spiderman.  They cannot let the world know their power, because they know that with great power comes great responsibility.  This is their gift.  This is their curse.

4 Ways to Identify Functioning Alcoholics

Before you go out an a witch hunt accusing everyone you know of being an alcoholic like my first wife did to me before she left me, here are some signs to look for when trying to identify a functioning alcoholic

Functioning alcoholics sometime wear hats that looks like lampshades.

If you ever see a guy wearing a hat that looks like a lampshade, he might just be drunk.  Drunks love to put lampshades on their heads.  I was at a party once where a guy had a hat on that looked just like a lampshade.    At first I thought it was a cool hat.  It wasn’t until after he got arrested for a D.U.I.  later that evening with a blood alcohol level of over .2 that I realized that he was actually just drunk and had put a lampshade on his head.

You May Think That Their Cologne of Perfume Smells Just Like Alcohol.

There was a guy at work who would smell like booze every morning.  I always assumed he was not drunk and it was his cologne, but after he came back from rehab he switched to Giorgio Armani.

Functioning Alcoholics Are Not Diabetes.

If you find your someone passed out in the middle of the kitchen floor,   don’t believe that it was because of his blood sugar like my Aunt Stella would always say about my Uncle Walter.

Don’t Mistake An Alcoholic For a Stroke Victim

Trouble walking, problems with balance, slurred speech, blurred vision, dizziness, fatigue.  Sound familiar?  That is because being drunk has many of the same symptoms of stroke victims, so don’t let a functioning alcoholic fool you.  If you see someone with all of these symptoms chances are they are not having a stroke.  They are simply drunk.  One time I ran into an old guy sitting on a park bench.  He had all of these symptoms and his friend tried to tell me he was having a stroke. I said, “Nice try old timers.  Why don’t you go have another one?” Then I chuckled to myself and kept jogging.

Conclusion

Well I hope this provided some insight into functioning alcoholism.  Don’t forget to check out some of my other blogs on self esteem, improving your marriage, and having sex with people you meet on the Internet.

Overcoming My Addiction To Pooping-My Personal Journey To Recovery

Pooping-The Addiction People Are Afraid To Talk About

Addiction has become a very prevalent topic over the years.  Every day needs like food and sex have become addictions, explaining why so many people have become fat and horny.   Even famous celebrities are not insusceptible to the perils of modern addiction.  Tiger Woods and that guy from American Chopper who married Sandra Bullock were very vocal about their sex addictions after they got caught cheating.   Their brave admission to sex addiction has paved the way for many others to open up about their addictions.

I too almost had a sex addiction once.  Luckily I wasn’t rich or famous enough to suffer a full on addiction.  I only wound up banging a few fives and sixes and then I got married.  Even though I didn’t have a sex addiction like those celebrities who got caught cheating, I did have an addiction that was much more dangerous than even sex or heroin.  It was the addiction that no one was really talking about.  That is the addiction to taking massive shits.

Can It Really Be Possible to Become Addicted To Pooping?

The Harvard Health Medical Blog lists three main functions of addiction:

  1. Intense Cravings-Having had the urge to take a real bad shit many times, I knew that I was becoming addicted.   Sometimes the cravings would get so bad that I would start sweating and shitting would become all I could think about.  One time I was stuck on the interstate with the next rest area many miles ahead.  I began to speed with total disregard for the safety and lives of the others around me until I was able to get my fix in in the men’s room at the next rest stop.
  2. Loss of control over the object your craving- I have done many things I normally wouldn’t do because of my addiction to shitting.   One time on a fishing trip, I had to shit so bad that I pulled my pants down and shit right behind a fallen log.  I then cut my underwear off with a knife and wiped my ass with those undies and buried them under a pile of dirt and leaves.  Had it not been for my addiction to shitting I would never in a million years have done something as perverse as squatting naked in the woods with my cock and balls hanging out like that.  I knew then that I was losing control of my addiction.
  3.  Continued Use of Engagement Despite Bad Consequences-Ask anyone who has ever taken a shit, and they will tell you that nothing good ever comes from shit.  It is smelly, gross and disgusting.  That still never stopped me from shitting.  Not once.  One time I took such a huge shit at a friend’s house that it clogged the toilet. As I tried to plunge it I became so repulsed by the foul odor that I threw up a little in their sink.  I embarrassingly told my friend what had happened and asked his forgiveness.  After that night I swore that I would never shit again, only to find myself sitting on a toilet in a Walmart the very next day.  I couldn’t stop shitting.

How Did I Know I Was Addicted To Making Duty?

Looking back on my life I realize that I have been addicted to shitting for many many years.  At the height of my addiction I was unemployed, had no money, couldn’t take care of myself and was living with my mom and dad.  It got so bad that I had to wear diapers and I wouldn’t even use the potty. I would shit right in my pants and my mom and dad would have to change me and wipe my ass.   That went on for almost three years until I learned how to manage my addiction.

After that I became something of a functional shitter.  The addiction to shitting was still there but I was able to hide it well.  I still went to work everyday, coached baseball, had friends and family.  On the surface everything looked all well and good, but there was a secret that I was hiding.  I was addicted to shitting and it was starting to get out of control.

I would read whole magazines cover to cover, watch youtube videos, play Subway Surfer, Angry Birds, anything I could get my hands on just so I could stay on that toilet and shit just a little bit longer.  My kids would be banging on the door, screaming that they had to use to bathroom, but I couldn’t help myself.  I always pushed it further then I had to.  I knew that if I stayed in there just a little longer, maybe I could squeeze out one more tiny knuckler or perhaps a little shart.

The day I hit rock bottom I had locked myself in the bathroom so long that my daughter had yelled into me that my son had peed into a gatorade bottle becuase I was taking too long.  That was when I knew that my shitting was starting to get out of control.  I knew I had to do something.

The Path To Recovery For An Addicted Duty Maker

I started researching shit and defecation addiction.  Surprisingly there has been very little written on this topic.  I was a pioneer paving the way for others like me, on my way to becoming the something like the next Neal Armstrong or Steve Jobs of shit.   It wouldn’t be long before I would out myself and write the first ever blog post on shitting addiction.

It has been two years since I beat my shit addiction. Now I never fully quit shitting because that is physically impossible probably.  However I do have healthy shit patterns and regular bowel movements.  I wouldn’t say that I am clean like an addict would.  That wouldn’t be true because we are talking about shit and shit is dirty.  I can, however, say that I am healthy and happy.  It’s been years since I’ve worn a diaper or shit my pants, and I cut back on the time I spend in the bathroom so that my kids are happier.  I even put myself on a regular bowel movement schedule.  Every morning after I have my coffee I spend a responsible 5 to ten minutes in the bathroom making duty.  I guess surviving a defecation addiction is like surviving any other addiction.  You have to want to do it.

To read the rest of my inspirational story you can purchase the complete book for only .99 cents.  You can spare .99 cents to read the most inspirational book since the Bible.  Shit, I gave two dollars to a bum in Baltimore once, and I think he might have been dead.

TSA Now Profiling Nonagerians and People In Wheelchairs

TSA Criticized Over Footage Of a Search Performed on a 96 Year Old Woman in a Wheelchair

A video of the TSA performing an extensive and invasive 15 minute pat search on a 96 year old woman in a wheelchair has gone viral.  Many people in the mainstream media are criticizing this saying that it was disgusting and uncalled for.  I must say that I agree.  If the TSA is ever going to PAT search a 96 year old woman in a wheelchair, they need to be sure that she is Muslim.   Whatever happened to racial profiling?

The Reasons The TSA Shouldn’t Trust Old People or Anyone in a Wheelchair

The mainstream media is slamming the TSA for the invasive search they did on that a crippled nonagenarian. They think that this wrong, but how much do we really know about this woman?  How do we know for sure that she was not the leader of a nonagenarian terrorist organization that was mobilizing a base in Anderson, Indiana.  Or that this wasn’t actually Osama Bin Laden disguised as a 96 year old woman in a wheelchair so he could travel to Anderson to blow up the Cracker Barrel?  We don’t.  Johnny Knoxville tricked everyone into thinking he was an old person in Bad Grandpa so there is no reason a terrorist cannot do the same.

This woman is in a wheelchair, but that does not mean that she is any less dangerous than someone with functioning legs.  Lest we forget the James Bond super villain Ernst Stavro Blofeld was also in a wheelchair.  I also had a college professor in a wheelchair who failed me in a Philosophy class for cheating.  The list goes on and on with dangerous villains in wheelchairs. We don’t even know for sure that she even needed that wheelchair.  Maybe she just didn’t like walking.  She might not have even been 96.  Maybe she was just a hard 70.  We don’t know, and neither did the TSA.   If I worked  TSA I would be pat searching the real terrorists.  I would target the terrorists that no one ever talks about, hot chicks with massive tits.  How do we know that those giant tits aren’t really bombs?  The only way to find out would be to grab them.

The Health Benefits of Putting Your Fat Wife On a Diet

Putting a Fat Wife On a Diet Can Be Even More Effective Than Fat Shaming Her Into Weight Loss

Before I continue, I want to make one thing perfectly clear.  I am not here to shame anyone.  I don’t agree with body shaming, fat shaming, stink shaming, slut shaming, dumb shaming, ugly shaming, Trump shaming, or any kind shaming for that matter.  Fat shaming doesn’t help people lose weight. In fact it stresses fat people out and makes them eat their feelings and gain even more weight.

No one should ever feel embarrassed about their bodies, but let’s be honest, fat people are disgusting and kind of funny looking.  That is why it’s ok to be fat if your a comedian like Gabriel Iglesias, or a sumo wrestler like Yokozuna, or the lady in the jazzy wearing the shit bag that me and my kids made fun of in Walmart last week.   She was great for laughing at and taking pictures of to send to all my friends, but not exactly what anyone would call marriage material.

DO All Fat Wives Need to Go On a Diet?

The short answer is no. Some men are actually attracted to fat women.  I saw a documentary on guys who had fat fetishes once.  It is perfectly ok for a woman to be fat if she is married to one of these men.  Sometimes a man has no choice but to marry a fat woman. He might be poor, ugly, or even fat himself.  In those cases it is perfectly ok for a wife to be fat until death do you part as well.

The only wives who really need to go on a diet are the ones who got fat after they said their vows.  When you said, “I do.” That didn’t mean that “you do love bacon,” and “you do gain 100 pounds”.  The worst thing a wife can do in a marriage is get fat.  That is the ultimate betrayal and deception.  Imagine you went to the store and bought your favorite ice cream, only to come home to find out that your Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey had turned into a can of sardines.   Or imagine you went out and bought yourself a brand new Mercedes. After a few years you wake up one day and realize it had just turned into beat up old Chevette with a missing hubcap and a fat chick in the passenger seat.

What is the Best Diet to Make My Fat Wife Go On?

In this image conscious diet obsessed world we live in there are no excuse for a woman to get fat.  There are all kinds of new trendy diets women can go on to stay skinny for their man.  You have the Atkins, the Paleo, bulimia, anorexia. The list goes on and on.

There is a diet out there for everyone.  In fact, there are even surgeries for people who don’t like stuff like diets or will power. There are even diet pills out there for the fat people who like drugs.  These diet pills are actually speed so they will even give your wife a little more energy to clean the house or do some laundry.  Ladies, before you start gaining weight and letting yourself go, think about the person who you are really hurting.  You might listen to people like Oprah and believe that there is no shame in being a fat person.  That may be true, but remember even if there is no shame in being a fat person, there will still always shame in being married to one.  You might love your fat body, but trust me when I tell you this, and I say this with nothing but love in my heart.  No one else does.

 

For more cheap laughs check out my book “That Guy: Life Is Hard…Especially When You’re an As*hole”