5. Got Milk?
4. Milk. It Does a Body Good.
3. Beef. It’s What’s For Dinner.
2. Pork. The Other White Meat
1. Cucumber. It’s Mother Nature’s Penis.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease that affects hundreds if not thousands of people in the world. Because getting drunk is so much fun and Leinenkugel’s Summer Shandy is downright delicious alcoholism can easily affect anyone. Although there are some people who are more susceptible to becoming an alcoholic than others, such as homeless people, housewives, ship captains, retired detectives, and rock stars.
The effects of alcoholism can be devastating. It can make you do things that you would never have done before you had the disease. Alcoholics will do things like call their ex, steal street signs, and pee just about anywhere, even in some girl’s hamper they mistook for a toilet like I did once. Some alcoholics will even eat soup with their bare hands or put peanut butter on a hot dog. Not even cancer could make someone do that. That is how powerful this disease can be.
WEB MD defines High Functioning Alcoholism (HFA) as a person who maintain a good paying job, family, friends, a social bonds while being addicted to alcohol. Think about that for a minute. These people are able accomplish the same things in life drunk that I can’t even do sober. That is a pretty remarkable feat, and I say kudos to them. They are superheros in my book. Superman may be faster than a speeding bullet and sure he can leap tall buildings in a single bound, but let’s see him try to coach a youth soccer team drunk.
Functioning alcoholics are everywhere in our midst. They walk among us the same way Spiderman does. They are difficult to spot and they hide their superpower the same way Spider Man does, because they know that with great power comes great responsibility. This is their gift. This is their curse. Just like Spiderman.
I used to work with a guy for years who had a hat that looked exactly like a lampshade. It wasn’t until he went to rehab that I found out that it wasn’t a hat at all. He was actually drunk the whole time and putting a lampshade on his head.
I knew another guy who always came to work wearing this cologne everyday that smelled exactly like whisky. He ended up going to rehab a few years later and then suddenly switched to Giorgio Armani. Now that I think about it. I’ll bet that that wasn’t cologne at all.
Just because you find your someone passed out in the middle of the kitchen floor. Don’t be quick to assume that they are narcoleptics or just really tired. It took me thirty years to figure that out about my Uncle Walter. He was that good at covering up his drinking.
Trouble walking, problems with balance, slurred speech, cannot see, blurred vision, dizziness, fatigue. Sound familiar? Don’t let a functioning alcoholic fool you. If you see someone with all these symptoms, remember they are not having a stroke. They are just hiding the fact that they are drunk. One time I ran into an old guy sitting on a park bench one time with the same symptoms. I told him to have another one old timer, and I chuckled to myself and kept jogging. I knew he was just one of those high functioning alcoholics trying to cover up being a drunk.
Well I hope this provided some insight into the difference between a regular alcoholic and a superhero alcoholic and how to spot one. Don’t forget to check out some of my other blogs on self esteem, improving your marriage, and having sex with people you meet on the Internet.
In a recent interview in for the May cover story of Elle, really tall actress Charlize Theron shared her view on the racial climate in our country with celebrity racist Jew Chelsea Handler. Theron told Handler.”Racism is much more alive and well than people thought. We can’t deny it anymore. We have to be vocal,” She went on to say, “There are a lot of times when I look at my kids and I’m like, if this continues, I might have to [leave America]. Because the last thing I want is for my children to feel unsafe.”
It comes as no surprise that Theron spoke out against racism. She is, after all, from Africa and did adopt two black children. One of which is a boy whom she dresses like a girl. Not that adopting a black child and forcing him to dress like a girl is appalling in any way. She adopted those kids. They are her property and she can dress them however she likes.
What is appalling is that she opened up about racism to Chelsea Handler of all people. Chelsea Handle is known racist, famous for her offensive tweets about black people, Asians and even a few Jews, but mostly blacks. Chelsea Handler once tweeted a picture of Grape Soda to Nick Cannon. That is some racist shit. Theron might have well sat down with David Duke to talk about racism. He is the leader ot the KKK, and he never even tweeted Nick Cannon a picture of grape soda.
Perhaps Theron felt comfortable opening up to Handler because Handler once said that she dates a lot of black men so people don’t think she is a racist. Whatever the case may be, it was a giant step toward cultural awareness in our country to see two attractive, wealthy, privileged white women sit down and discuss their views on racism in our country so freely. If anyone knows anything about racism, it is a famous white woman who dresses up black boys in ballerina dresses, and a celebrity who reportedly had sex with lots of black men.
Charlize Theron, best known for her sexy Internet pics, a net worth of over 120 million dollars, and once dating famous Irish actor Stuart Townsend recently took on a new role. She became the spokesperson against scary neighborhoods when she told Chelsea Handler in the May cover story of Elle, “There are places in this country where, if I got a job, I wouldn’t take it. I wouldn’t travel with my kids to some parts of America, and that’s really problematic.”
Finally someone as famous and powerful as Theron is finally speaking out on the issue of scary neighborhoods. There are many places in this country I wouldn’t travel or take a job either. You couldn’t fucking pay me enough to take a teaching job in Abraham Lincoln High in Philadelphia, or any inner-city school for that matter. I wouldn’t travel with my kids within 5 miles of North Philadelphia, Compton, Riverdale in Chicago, Martin Luther King Drive in St. Louis, Washington Highlands in DC, and a few other places.
I don’t know if there are any racists living in those neighborhoods, but there sure are lots of scary black people with guns, and they don’t like white people. According to Neighborhoodscout.com my chance of becoming a victim in any one of those neighborhoods range from 1 in 8 to 1 in 18. I would have had a better chance in the jungles of Nam than I would trying to pump gas in South Memphis. I’d bet even the white guilt queen herself Charlize Theron herself would be at least a little bit scared if she made wrong turn into Altgeld Gardens outside of Chicago. I would go to Afghanistan and fight Al Qaeda before I stopped at the corner of Independence and Prospect in Kansas City to ask for directions.
On behalf of people afraid to go into scary neighborhoods everywhere, I thank you Ms. Theron. We appreciate all you are doing. Your work is not going unnoticed. I might even go see that stupid looking movie you are promoting.
Online dating is perhaps the most difficult challenge anyone has ever had to face in the history of the world. It is right up there with being born without arms and Tide Pod challenges. There are many obstacles to overcome when finding a soulmate online to have sex with.
First you have to convince them that you are not some weird perverted necrophiliac serial killer, like my weird butcher neighbor probably is. That is difficult enough challenge in and of itself, and that is not even the hard part. After you get her to believe that you will not kill her or take her prisoner, then you have to get her to go against her better judgement and the advice of all of her friends and family, and meet a complete stranger in a bar for drinks. After that, you have to try to get her drunk enough have sex with you, but not so drunk that it seems weird and rapey. That is certainly a difficult challenge in the #metoo era we are living in right now, but far from impossible.
If you are ready to take the online dating challenge I will show you how to write the perfect on-line dating profile. My methods guarantee that you will find your soulmate and you live happily ever after, or at least have semi-consensual sex with a five.
Some people say that honesty is always the best policy. Well, those people are all completly full of shit. Honesty is never the best policy, especially with dating profile pictures. It is perfectly ok to stretch the truth in a dating profile picture. I have seen some dating profiles where, given the proper lighting and certain camera angles, a woman can look 10, 2o, even 200 pounds lighter than she really is. I met one girl who looked like like a thin sexy model in her profile photo, but looked more like Shamu the Whale when I met her in person.
My point is that it didn’t matter what she looked, or that she was a few hundred pounds heavier than what she led me to believe. I am not some sort of superficial jerk who only cares about looks. I got her drunk and still had sex with her anyway, because it is what is on the inside of a woman that counts, and that is her vagina.
You don’t always need to put an accurate picture of yourself in online dating. Some people just don’t photograph well, or maybe they photographed better ten years earlier when they were a hundred pounds lighter and not as wrinkled and ugly and beaten down by life. It is perfectly ok to show people what you used to look ten years ago like in a dating profile picture. In fact, you don’t even need show people what you look like at all.
Your online dating picture should be more like a conceptualized idea of what you look like, like abstract art or Jesus. If you feel attractive on the inside, then it is only fair to trick people into thinking you look attractive on the outside too. Just because your face looks like a catcher’s mitt and you love doughnuts, that shouldn’t define you as a person. Your face might be a 2 but your soul is a 9, and that is what really matters. The images of God are nothing more than abstract ideas, and so should your dating profile picture, especially if you are fat and ugly.
I don’t know how many times I heard someone say, “I never know what to say in a dating profile.” This should be the easy part. Say anything. It doesn’t matter. You get to be anyone you want to be in an online dating profile. You could be an airline pilot, a famous juggler,even not married and cheating on your wife on Plenty of Fish.
Who cares? All if fair in love and war and online dating. In the world of online dating, you get to write your own story. Creating an alter-ego and making everything up is probably the best way to write an on-line dating profile, unless you are really successful and very well adjusted like I am. Then it is ok to be honest in this part. When I wrote my dating profile it was like I was paining a self-portrait with words. Below is the dating profile that I used on several dating sites that almost got me laid once.
I am mostly disease free, I have no felonies, and I’m not on Megan’s law. I am not a great catch like a rich old guy, or a guy with a huge penis and great abs. Most women who meet me say that I am a guy that they can settle for. I am all that interesting either. I can’t sing, play guitar, do magic tricks or juggle, but I can do this weird thing with my thumb, and love Dutch ovens. That’s actually why my first wife left me so of you don’t like Dutch ovens keep moving. I’m not for you. I know a lot of guys you meet online can be real creeps. Trust me I am not one of them. Call me old fashion but I’m not going to say something perverted or send a dick pic until like the 3rd or 4th message.
My ideal mate would be someone who is great with kids so they can babysit mine while I’m drinking with my buddies. I am also looking for someone who can take a punch without crying to the cops about it. I don’t need that kind of drama in my life anymore. Also please don’t message me things like “Hey baby” Or “Your hot”. Or “I wanna shit on your chest”. I’ve heard all those lines before. I am looking for something real. I’m not just booty call. I’ve been hurt too many times before.
Well it definitely wouldn’t be bowling, go karts, or mini-golf. And it most certainly wouldn’t be a wine-tasting, a walk in the park or rock-climbing. Movies are too boring and dinner is too cliche. Sex in a truck stop bathroom. That would be my ideal first date.
Well there you have it. Online dating is all up to you. Be yourself. Don’t be yourself. Lie. Don’t lie. It doesn’t really matter what the hell you say or do in the world of online dating. The only real important lesson I can teach you when it comes to online dating is to wear a condom. There are alot of diseases out there. Trust me.
I didn’t wear a rubber one time and two weeks later my dick swelled up to the size of a fucking golf ball,then it got really itchy and started pussing and oozing all over the place. It was fucking disgusting. Luckily it only turned out to only be poison ivy, but it could have easily been an STD I got from having random unprotected sex with women I met online!
Well I hope you learned a few things from what we talked about here today, Until next time, happy online dating everyone!
Don’t forget to like me on Facebook, and check out some of my other blogs on dating and relationships.
Back before Rob Van Winkle got arrested for assaulting that homeless guy, or got all those dopeass looking tatoos or became a drug addict/recovered drug addict/professional jet skier/motocross champion/pet wallaroo owner/vegetarian/ex-vegetarian/burglar/Madonna’s boyfriend/Madonna’s ex-boyfriend/gun owner/host of a show in DIY that we all now know and love today, he was once the famous rapper known only as Vanila Ice.
As Vanila Ice, he release the most famous song in the history of music, more recognizable than The National Anthem or even Free Bird. His hit single, Ice Ice Baby, soon became Vanila Ice’s Mr. Holland’s Opus. It became such a huge hit that no one even remembered the Queen and David Bowie song that he stole it from anymore.
What people fail to realize about Vanilla Ice, however, was that he was not just another one hit wonder like Flock of Seagulls , Afroman, or the guy who wrote that song they play at weddings. Vanilla Ice actually compiled an incredibly vast and timeless catalogue of music. For the first time ever in history of the Top Ten Lists or the Internet, the staff here at lifechampion.net compiled The Top 10 Greatest Vanilla Ice songs ever written, finally paying homage to one of the greatest songwriters the world has ever known.
I am not sure what they are exactly saying in this song, and I am not sure if that is really Vanilla Ice singing or if that is even him in the photos, but I do know this. That bass drop is fucking boss. You did it again Vanilla.
Vanilla Ice’s unplugged version of Ice Ice baby in an Amish buggy is a surprisingly phenomenal rendition of the original song. Had it not been for that Amish guy talking over him the whole time, I am sure Ice would have won himself another Grammy for this one.
Later in his career Ice reinvented himself once again. He started doing dance remixes and it was even more groundbreaking than when Dylan went electric. While not received well at first, Ice’s Ice Ice Baby dance remix eventually started getting some recognition on the club scene and the guy who DJ’ed my 3rd cousin’s wedding.
Vanilla Ice is one of the best live acts in the history of music, possibly even better than the Grateful dead or Woodstock. He puts on a great show anytime, anywhere. You can see him rocking it in this video, and he doesn’t even care that people are throwing stuff at him or that he is playing in someone’s backyard.
Inspired by people who talk real fast like people on coke and auctioneers, Vanilla Ice looked to become one of the fastest rappers in the world just like Busta Rhymes and Twisted Insane . That was when he wrote a superfast version of Ice Ice baby. It was that or some kid just sped up the speed of the song while he was playing Excite Bike and put it on YouTube. Either way, it comes in at 5 on our list.
I don’t know how the hell he did it, but Ice somehow managed to make himself sound just like a chipmunk. The only other singer I know with that kind of vocal range is none other than Alvin the Chipmunk himself, and he is a real life chipmunk. This is a testament to versatility Ice brings to each an every song.
The only thing better than an original song is a new version of that song that is remastered and released to sound almost exactly like the original song. If there was ever a song worth buying twice, it is definitely Ice Ice Baby.
The only thing better than bass is more bass. You asked and Vanilla delivered. He most certainly did create enough bass sound to kick holes in the ground. With the bass kicked in and the Vegas pumping, its quick to the point no faking, Ice Ice Baby (Bass Boosted Version) comes in at number 2 on this countdown.
Ninja rap might not have been Vanilla Ice’s most recognizable work, but who cares? I-fucking-loved-The-Teenage-Mutant-Ninja-Turtles! Go Ninja Go Ninja GO! Go Ninja Go Ninja GO! Remember that? How fucking awesome were the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Seriously? My old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles toys over at my mom’s house somewhere. Now I feel like digging them up and playing with them again. I still remember the TMNT birthday I had when I turned 8. It was the best damn day of my life. All of my best friends were there and my mom and dad were still together. They weren’t fighting for once and it was one of the few times I remember my dad being sober when he was still alive and….Well, I guess I will save the rest of that for therapy. Anyway, there you have it. The Top Ten Vanilla Ice songs of all time.
Everyone knows that pretending to like to read books makes you sound smart, the same way using really big words and having a British accent does. Some people have even gone as far to say that actually reading books really does make you smarter. One mom even claims that reading improves vocabulary, enhances creativity, reduces stress, improves memory, and some other stuff that I forget right now. That is a great idea in theory. The only problem with is that reading also happens to be super boring and really gay.
Books don’t have awesome graphics, killcams, or kill counters like Call of Duty. You can’t kill steal cars and kills hooks like you can in Grand Theft Auto. Books don’t have any cool famous people like Jake and Logan Paul. The only famous people you can read about in books now are the most boring famous people of all, like Abe Lincoln and Jesus. I did find a book about super awesome pro wrestler/world saver, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson by Kim Bernal on Amazon. I was later saddened to find out that it was nothing more than an adult coloring book.
So what are children supposed to do to sound smart in this new modern age of cool shit like vlogs and video games? The answer to this question is quite shocking. Keep reading to learn more.
What does a man with no penis, a psychic, the world’s fattest man, a man with an 80 pound groin, polygamists, gypsies, people born without arms, a guy too fat to turn himself into a woman, women who have babies in their pants, women who have babies in public restrooms, giants, giant families, people attracted to inflatable whales, midgets, midget couples, midget cripples, midget cripple farmers, midget families, black ghost hunters, psychics, women from Alaska, people who eat of dumpsters, a merman, the world’s largest mustard collection, a pretty wedding dress, fat people, fat families, fat midgets, fat people who aren’t fat anymore, fat people who don’t even care that they are fat, The Amish, Pete Rose and Jamie Lynn Spears all have in common?
If you guessed that they are all people we all make fun of, well then you are only partially correct. It is true that these are people we all make fun of, but they are also people who have shows on The Learning Channel. Children can now finally act really smart without pretending to like books or brooding all the time.
Anything with the word “Learning” in the title always makes you sound smart, the same wearing glasses and going to Starbucks does. Hearing a child say, “I am going to put on my glasses, grab a Starbucks and watch something on The Learning Channel,” sounds way smarter than if they says, “I am going to play Call of Duty and not do my homework.”
Now I don’t know for sure if we are really learning anything from a guy making out with an inflatable whale, or a sassy toddler who plays with her belly fat, or even a really fat guy eating pizza with his shirt off, but I guess it’s like the old saying goes, “Awesome shit on T.V. will always be way better than learning stuff, bro.”
When used correctly, children can be a very valuable asset in a divorce. They are probably even bigger assets that a pension or salary, and even the house. You can train them to be spies who infiltrate and gather information from your ex like I did. They can be turned into bargaining chips at the negotiations table. You can use them as leverage against the other parent by placing sanctions on visits and turning them against the other parent. In some rare situations, mostly on Lifetime movies, they can eve be used as hostages. That is why it is so important to get your children to like you more than your ex when it comes to the co-parenting war . This will not be easy and will most certainly be the biggest fight of your life. It is a fight that can only be won with the support of your children.
When I was going through my own divorce, it was hard to get my children to like me more than my ex at first, but I did it, and now that is our new normal. Now I am the super fun weekend dad who only does totally awesome shit with the kids, while my ex is the evil bitch that makes them do their homework and go to bed early. Here is what I did to defeat my ex at co-parenting.
Don’t worry so much about money when trying to get your kids to like you more than your ex. Think of it as an investment in your future. Look at it as the startup cost of a blossoming relationship with your children that will pay itself off tenfold in the end. Buy them anything they could possibly want. The first Christmas after my divorce, I cashed in my 401K and blew my ex out of the fucking water with presents. They say money can’t buy happiness. Well try telling that to two fucked up little 7 year olds whose parents are going through a divorce. Money can definitely buy them happiness. Their faces lit up brighter than the fucking Christmas tree when they saw all those toys. It was my first major victory in the co-parenting war against my ex. However, my mission was still far from complete.
Listen, it is never ok to let small children eat ice cream and candy for breakfast. That is unless you are going through a bitter divorce and trying to get your kids to like you more than your ex. Then it is ok to let them eat whatever they want for breakfast, and while they are eating it make sure to ask them what they eat at mommy’s house for breakfast, and then in unison, you all go “Eeeeeeewwwwww!” Ice Cream and candy may not be the breakfast of champions, but they are definitely the breakfast of really fucking cool dads. I was chipping away at my ex, and slowly starting to become the favorite, but I couldn’t just rest on my laurels. I had to continue with a full-on fun offensive.
Yeah, maybe at mommy’s house. At daddy’s house, staying up late and having fun is way more important than a good night’s sleep. When using bedtime as a weapon against your ex in the co-parenting war, I would find out when your ex schedules bedtime at her house, then push bedtime at your house back at least 5 hours. Bedtime was possibly the most pivotal battle in the co-parenting war against my ex. The first day I told them they could stay up as long as they wanted I was rewarded with a big hug and told I was way more fun than mommy. That was when I knew I had her against the ropes. Now it was time to strike the final and fatal blow.
You have probably heard this a thousand times before. Children need structure and rules, and they need consistency, blah, blah,blah. Look I am not saying that kids shouldn’t have those things. I am simply saying that there should be less of them at your house.
You know who else has lots of rules and structure? North Korea. And no one ever wants to vacation North Korea. They want to vacation in cool countries that have no rules, like Cancun. I went there once for spring break and it was awesome. All the cab drivers were drug dealers, and when I got caught having sex on the beach I didn’t even get arrested. or anything. All the cops did was rob me and take all my money.
Look, I am just saying is that if there was a fun war between North Korea and Cancun, Cancun would win every time. So let your ex be like the crazed evil North Korean dictator with all of her crazy rules on banning R rated movies and not swearing, and you be like the guy who hosts wet t-shirt contests and gives away free beer. It won’t be long until you hear those seven magical words come your child’s mouth, “I like you way more than mommy.” That is when you will know that the war is over, and you’ve finally won. Until next time. Happy parenting everyone! Don’t forget to check out more of my parenting blogs on Raising Kids who Suck at Sports and Dealing With Crazy Internet Challenges.
Eugene Grant, is a writer, activist, and dwarfism extraordinar who is involved in the Restricted Growth Association (RGA). He is also now the new voice of empowerment for dwarfs everywhere and guys named Eugene. Eugene’s’ recent impassioned Twitter rant on dwarfism equality was nothing short (no pun intended) of Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream” speech. It reminded us all how offensive the “M” word can be, and why we should never call anyone a midget, especially a real midget, and never to their face.
His tweet said something about gnats and circus freak shows, and calling people by their real name and something else about respecting all people. I’ll be honest. I didn’t actually read the whole thing, but only because I didn’t have to. I heard his rally cry loud and clear, and now I will never use the “M” word again. That is unless I absolutely have to. Like if I wanted to hire Mighty Mike Midget to breathe fire and make balloon animals at my son’s birthday. Well then I would have to use the “M” word because that is part of his stage name. Other than that, I will never use that word again. Even if I see one in real life, as I am pointing and laughing at him I will say, “Oh look over there at that funny looking little Mid…I mean dwarf.”
There is a great paradox in our country when it comes to derogatory slurs. People tend to use the word “midget” freely and often, not taking it’s impact very seriously. Meanwhile the”N” word has possibly become the most powerful word in the English language. It is up there on the Mount Rushmore or offensive terms, right next to the big ones like beef curtains, moose knuckle, and even blumpkin. The mere utterance of the “N” word by a non-black in our country will have them ostericied and shunned as one of lowest forms of life in our society today. They will wind up being labeled as either a racist, a punk-ass little white fake-ass wanna-be nigga little bitch, or worst yet a Trump supporter.
How did this happen? How did the “M” word wind up becoming the “N” word’s retarded little brother that no one respects or takes serious? The answer to that question is quite simple really. The truth is that people just aren’t as scared of dwarfs as they are of black people. That is just the harsh reality that exists in out society today.
Dwarfs don’t have guns and kill people like black people do. No dwarf rapper is named Uncle Murda. There aren’t any famous dwarf rappers in prison. There are no scary dwarf neighborhoods that I am afraid to go into. Not a lot of dwarfs have really intimidating neck or face tattoos like black people do. I can’t even remember the last time a bunch of dwarfs got together and lit an entire city on fire, and then looted diapers and flat screens like after the Ferguson riots. And you never hear a dwarf call another dwarf a midget, then say it is ok if we call each other it. Until dwarfs toughen up and start following black people’s blueprint for stopping the use of the “N” word, I am afraid Eugene Grant will have a very steep uphill climb towards dwarf equality.
As a former dwarf myself, I am glad to see someone like Eugene Grant finally taking a stand for the little guy (this time the pun was intended, get it?). For many years I had to face my own struggles with dwarfism, so I know exactly what it feels like to be a cute little midget. I mean little person. Sorry, bad habit.
When I was a dwarf and smaller than everyone else I needed those booster seats at McDonalds. My feet didn’t reach the pedals on my bike. My height was constantly an issue, and size discrimination was always in the forefront of my consciousness. Amusement parks always said I was too small to go on all the cool rides. I wasn’t legally allowed to use an adult seat belt. I wasn’t even allowed to play footballs with all of my dickhead older cousins at a family picnics when I was a kid. Fucking assholes.
I eventually grew up and became a tall normal sized non-dwarf human. However, I still never forgot all of the struggles I had to endure during my time as a Little Person. Dwarfs will always hold a very special place in my heart. Now every time I play dwarf toss at a bachelor party, or I am pointing and laughing at one, I give them a polite little nod of approval, just to let them know that I once too a dwarf, just like them. Click here if you would like to read anymore Lifestyle blogs.
The only thing worse than owning children is owning children who have an Elf on the Shelf. Whoever came up with this Elf on the Shelf is probably the same jerk that came up with other annoying stuff like birthdays and Easter. Our elf has been visiting our house every Christmas for the past 5 years. I’d rather my 3rd cousin from Philly who is a junky spend Christmas at my house. He might steal some stuff, but at least my daughter won’t cry when she thought I took his magic. She will know that he probably just overdosed. I wish I could say they same for that fuckhead, Jingles the Elf.
This year I had to have the dreaded “talk” with my children. No, not the one about the sex. I will never ever do that. Talking to children about sex is really gross and weird. I’ll leave that to the experts, internet porn stars and kids at school. I had to have the talk where I tell them that their Elf on the Shelf is fake.
Last Christmas my daughter told me that she was the only kid in their class that still had the Elf on the Shelf, making me the biggest embarrassment of the school. Being a good parent, I had to stop her from making me look any more stupid. That was when I told her the truth about how I bought Jingles the Elf at a Barnes and Nobles. It was like one of those funny practical joke shows like Punk’d or Intervention. I mean it wasn’t as funny as when Mac Miller Punk’d Wiz Khalifa in 2012, or the look on all the drug addicts faces when they find out that they just got tricked into going to a rehab, but it was still pretty gosh darn funny. She was so mad that I tricked her into thinking that she had a magical elf living in our house. She started crying her little eyes out and locked herself in her room. It was really funny.
The next day, she took her iPhone 8 that “Santa” brought her and looked up Elf on the Shelf ideas for parents on Pintrest. Then she got mad at me again, screaming at me for being lazy. She told me that the only reason her elf doesn’t’ do anything is because I am a stupid and lazy parent. She said she wished she had one of the cool Pinterest parents that actually cared about The Elf. I was given an ultimatum that either I start doing cool things with the elf, or she would hate me forever. Now she wanted me to move the elf around even though she knew it was fake. My whole plan had backfired.
I not very creative when it comes to parenting. Plus I am lazy, drunk all the time, and somewhat of a narcissist. So it goes without saying that cool Elf on the Shelf ideas are pretty much near the bottom of my list of priorities. They are right at the bottom, next to remembering birthdays and dusting. I still needed to come up with something. There had to be a final solution, one that would end the Elf on the Shelf’s career once and for all.
I thought to myself what would a woman do in this situation? Then one evening while I was sipping bourbon in the garage, I came up with the greatest Elf on the Shelf idea in the history or parenting. It was an idea even greater than the one that I saw on Pinterest, like the one where The Elf made a train of shoes. Now I know how Einstein must felt when he invented the Internet, or Ari felt when he broke up with Becca for Lauren on Season 22 of the Bachelor. I was so proud of my accomplishment. It would be such a great elf idea that it would ruin him forever.
My plan was so simple that it was genius. It was Mad Libs meets The Onion meets Toy Story, rolled up into one shocking #MeToo allegation and voila! It was the perfect scenario to get the Elf on the Shelf out of my house for good.
All I did was take an article from The Mercury News about Matt Lauer. Then I replaced Matt Lauer’s name with Jingles the Elf, and the North Pole for NBC. Finally, I snapped a few photos of Jingles the Elf in compromising positions with a Monster High doll. Jingles the Elf reputation was ruined forever and his career as a magical elf was ruined for good, just like the real Matt Lauer. If you do this, your kids might say that you’re disgusting and they hate you like mine did. Relax, kids always say that kind of stuff to their parents. Remember you drive a car and you have money. They need you to take them places and buy them stuff. They will get over it. Trust me. Stay strong. Be vigilant. It won’t be long until his career is as ruined as Matt Lauer’s and Louis C.K.
Happy parenting everyone!
Like other powerful men who have been brought down by sexual misconduct charges in the past year, “Elf on the Shelf” Jingles also is alleged in reports to have exposed himself to a female colleague, to have forced himself on women during ostensibly work-related meetings in his office or in hotel rooms, and to have generally used his position at his workplace to silence victims and stay in power.
The inappropriate conduct cited by The North Pole allegedly occurred in 2014 when Jingles was placed in the toy bin with other dolls and female toys The misconduct continued for several months, various outlets have reported.
The New York Times reported late Wednesday that The North Pole had received at least two more complaints related to Jingles the Elf. One complaint came from a former employee who told the Times that Jingles had summoned her to the play room in the basement, locked the door and assaulted her.
The former employee told the Times that Jingles asked her to unbutton her blouse and bent over before he sexually assaulted her. She also said she passed out during the assault and had to be taken to a toy doctor.
Finally, she said she didn’t report the incident because she didn’t want to lose her job and because she felt somehow that it was her fault for not doing more to stop Jingles. Later that year her arm was lost and the children stopped playing with her.
Representatives for Jingles have not responded to requests from Variety or from the New York Times for comment.
Among the many disturbing points raised in the Variety story is that North Pole executives may have long known about Jingles alleged misconduct, but didn’t act. Moreover, Jingle’s behavior might have been something of an open secret around the North Pole.
“Several other dolls told Variety they complained to Santa about Jingle’s behavior, which fell on deaf ears given the lucrative advertising surrounding ‘Christmas’ ” a former reporter quoted in the Variety story said.
For most of Jingles’s tenure as an “Elf on the Shelf,” the holiday was No. 1 in the favorite holidays, and Santa was eager to keep him happy, Variety reported.
Another former reporter, who asked not to be named, told Variety that “management sucks there,” referring to Santa and other high ranking North Pole officials who previously worked at the North Pole “They protected the (expletive) out of Jingles the Elf.”
Variety said its report is based on a two-month investigation and involves dozens of interviews with current and former staffers. Variety said it had also talked to three women who identified themselves as victims of sexual harassment by Jingles the Elf. These women asked to remain unnamed, but their stories have been corroborated by friends or colleagues that they told at the time, Variety said.
In certain respects, these reports about Jingles are not a total surprise. Despite his affable holiday persona, Jingles was long dogged by rumors that he was a “womanizer.”
Page Six reported that he was known to have had consensual relationships with female subordinates. Rumors about an affair with former favorite toy Malibu Barbie grew heated enough in 2016 that both Jingles and Barbie were forced to publicly deny it.
Other allegations outlined in the Variety story, which cited multiple sources, include:
— Jingles once gave a female colleague a sex toy as a present, Variety said. The toy came with an explicit note about how he wanted the colleague to use it.
— Jingles once summoned another female employee to his office, the report said. He dropped his pants and showed where his penis would be if he had one. When she refused to do anything, Jingles reprimanded her for not engaging in a sexual act.
— His office at The North Pole was located in a secluded space, and he had a button under his desk that allowed him to lock his door from the inside. The purpose, according to Variety, allowed him to invite a woman into his office and make a move on her without other people walking in.
— According to multiple accounts, Jingles would invite female North Pole staffers and other toys from the toy bin late at night while watching children in their homes in various cities over the years.
During his time as the “Aberfledy house” Jingles essentially became one of the most recognizable faces of Christmas. That gave him considerable clout over others who toys aroud the house.
Producers told Variety that Jingles would frequently dismiss stories about cheating husbands or about sexual misconduct.
Jingles, and his “North Pole” colleagues, found themselves in increasingly uncomfortable situations in the wake of reports of sexual misconduct allegations against Roger Ailes and Harvey Weinstein.
Farrah Abraham got knocked-up as a 16 year old living in Council, Bluffs Iowa. However, that is not what made her the World’s Biggest Asshole. A lot of teenagers get pregnant. That doesn’t mean they are all the world’s biggest assholes. It simply means they are an embarrassment to their family and sinners. It wasn’t until Farrah exploited her unplanned teenage pregnancy for a little bit of money and some fame on the reality show 16 and Pregnant that she began her epic rise to becoming The World’s Biggest Asshole.
Farrah was let go from the show 16 and pregnant shortly after her daughter was born. That was when she did what she thought was in the best interest of her newborn daughter. She spent her child’s most important formative years on a reality show called Teen Mom. It is there where she would continue her rise to assholedom, spending the ensuing 4 years acting completely insane and whore-like. However ridiculous she looked, that is still not what won her the title of World’s Biggest Asshole.
In 2013 she finally decided to do the right thing, and did what any other responsible parent of a 4 year old would do. She did porn. She contacted James Deen and made a fake sex tape that she leaked herself. Her life was ruined by something as embarrassing as a sex tape, and she had to reinvent herself once again. This time she is doing real porn and now has a line of sex toys and even has a rubber vagina that is molded in the shape of hers. Having a rubber vagina with your name on it means that you have arrived as a real celebrity, but it still doesn’t mean that you won the title of the World’s Biggest Asshole.
Fast forward 5 years. Completely broke, ravished by awful plastic surgery and saddled with ridiculously huge fake tits, Farrah decides to make one final push to become the World’s Biggest Asshole. She accuses MTV of bullying her over her sexuality. But what exactly is Farrah’s sexuality that would cause an entire television network to bully her? After doing some research research I came to discover that Farrah’s sexuality is not gay or straight. It is actually slut, which is really just straight, only more of it. Farrah is a very private person and I only discovered this when I saw that Chrissy Teigen got accused of “slut-shaming” after Chrissy called her a whore on Twitter.
After a lifetime of being called a whore simply because she did porn, Farrah Abrahams has finally had enough. She is now suing Viacom, Eleventh Street Production, Anxious 11, and Teen Mom Producer Morgan J. Freeman for 5 million dollars over , “sex-shaming.” You would think that she would be suing PornHub over something like that. In any case, I hope she wins because she will need every last penny to pay for all that therapy her daughter is going to need. I’ll bet her mom is kicking herself now for not letting her get that abortion back in ’08’. Congratulations Farrah Abraham’s. You are The Worlds Biggest Asshole! Click here to read more about past winners of The World’s Biggest Asshole.