Functioning Alcoholism-Disease or Superpower?

Plain Old Alcoholism is a Disease….

Alcoholism is a progressive disease that affects hundreds if not thousands of people in the world.   Because getting drunk is so much fun and Leinenkugel’s Summer Shandy is downright delicious alcoholism can easily affect anyone.  Although there are some people who are more susceptible to  becoming an alcoholic than others, such as homeless people, housewives, ship captains, retired detectives, and rock stars.

The effects of alcoholism can be devastating.  It can make you do things that you would never have done before you had the disease.  Alcoholics will do things like call their ex, steal street signs, and pee just about anywhere, even in some girl’s hamper they mistook for a toilet like I did once.  Some alcoholics will even eat soup with their bare hands or put peanut butter on a hot dog.  Not even cancer could make someone do that.  That is how powerful this disease can be.

…But Functioning Alcoholism Is a SuperPower

WEB MD defines High Functioning Alcoholism (HFA) as a person who maintain a good paying job, family, friends, a social bonds while being addicted to alcohol.   Think about that for a minute.  These people are able accomplish the same things in life drunk that I can’t even do sober.  That is a pretty remarkable feat, and I say kudos to them.  They are superheros in my book.  Superman may be faster than a speeding bullet and sure he can leap tall buildings in a single bound, but let’s see him try to coach a youth soccer team drunk.

Functioning alcoholics are everywhere in our midst.  They walk among us the same way Spiderman does.  They are difficult to spot and they hide their superpower the same way Spider Man does, because they know that with great power comes great responsibility.  This is their gift.  This is their curse.  Just like Spiderman.

4 Ways to Identify Functioning Alcoholics

 1. Functioning alcoholics wear hats that looks exactly like lampshades.

I used to work with a guy for years who had a hat that looked exactly like a lampshade.  It wasn’t until he went to rehab that I found out that it wasn’t a hat at all.  He was actually drunk the whole time and putting a lampshade on his head.

2. They always wear a cologne or perfume that smells exactly like whiskey.

I knew another guy who always came to work wearing this cologne everyday that smelled exactly like whisky.  He ended up going to rehab a few years later and then suddenly switched to Giorgio Armani.   Now that I think about it.  I’ll bet that that wasn’t cologne at all.

3.  Functioning Alcoholics Are Not Narcoleptics.

Just because you find your someone passed out in the middle of the kitchen floor.  Don’t be quick to assume that they are narcoleptics or just really tired.   It took me thirty years to figure that out about my Uncle Walter.  He was that good at covering up his drinking.

4. Remember HFAs are not stroke victims.  They are only drunk.

Trouble walking, problems with balance, slurred speech, cannot see, blurred vision, dizziness, fatigue.  Sound familiar?  Don’t let a functioning alcoholic fool you.  If you see someone with all these symptoms,  remember they are not having a stroke.  They are just hiding the fact that they are drunk.  One time I ran into an old guy sitting on a park bench one time with the same symptoms.  I told him to have another one old timer, and I chuckled to myself and kept jogging.  I knew he was just one of those high functioning alcoholics trying to cover up being a drunk.

Well I hope this provided some insight into the difference between a regular alcoholic and a superhero alcoholic and how to spot one.  Don’t forget to check out some of my other blogs on self esteem, improving your marriage, and having sex with people you meet on the Internet.




Penis Whitening Being Used To Improve Self-Esteem

The Psychology Behind Having a Small or Ugly Penis

One of the biggest roadblocks to personal growth is having a small ugly penis.  Having a small, ugly penis can wreak havoc on a man’s self-esteem, causing him to do all sorts of crazy things like getting way too into weightlifting or buying  really big expensive trucks. Some people actually develop such psychological hang ups over their penis that they they eventually cut the whole thing off and turn themselves into one of those fucked up, freak-show looking, weird transgender types.   At least I think transgender is the correct politically correct term.

A Cure For Blemished or Discolored Penises

Recently a new method of improving self esteem through the whitening of discolored genitalia  has been developed in Thailand and is sweeping over the LGBT community.  Derived from the more conservative and traditional practice of plain old asshole bleaching,  it uses laser beams to turn a man’s penis  completely white, wiping out any insecurity someone may have about the color of their penis.  The practice of penis whitening has become a controversial topic in Thailand, and some are saying that it the most bizarre thing to happen to Thailand’s LGBT community since The Thailand LGBT community.

The Need For Bigger Penises Around the World-The World Penis Rankings

Thailand has figured out a way to turn their penises white.  Hopefully this new bizarre genital procedure will open the door to new even weirder penis surgeries. Maybe this will pave the way for the greatest penis surgery known to mankind.  Perhaps this has showed us that we have the capabilities to to surgically alter our penises to make them larger.  Having a small penis has become a grave epidemic in Thailand in recent years. In a world penis study conducted in 2013 Thailand ranked only 113 out of 116 countries in penis size, averaging a mere 4 inches while hard and defeating only shitty countries like Cambodia, North Korea and South Korea who all only averaged 3.8 inches while hard.

The would explain North Korea’s obsession with wanting to own large penis shaped nuclear missiles.  However, it still doesn’t explain Thailand’s gay community’s desire for white penises.   White people do not have great penises.  They have great privilege and wealth.  It is actually black people with the huge penises.

Gay Thai men have the right idea with turning their tiny yellow penises a different color, but they should be turning it black instead.  The Congo is blackest country in the whole world.   They are so black that even other black people make fun of them for being black.  Needless to say that when the world penis rankings came out, the Congo topped the list.  The Congo came in with a robust and snakelike 7.1 inches..  This study only confirmed one of the many stereotypes about black people.  Luckily for black  people, it wasn’t any of the bad ones. The Link to below gives the complete ranking of penises sizes around the world.

Average Penis Size By Country

Further Advancement in Penis Surgery

This is only the beginning of what we can accomplish through penis surgery and turning ourselves different colors.   I have a dream today. Ever since I was a small teenaged boy and I saw my first black penis in a gym locker room, I had hoped and prayed that through the magic of modern medicine that I too could have a penis as big and scary as the one I saw that day.  I now have hope that someday that dream can come true.

I Have a Dream Today

I have a dream today.  I have a dream that all men who are not created equal can have weird surgeries to change all that.   I have a dream that one day  gay Thai men will not only be able to turn their penis white, but turn their whole body white too.  I have a dream that everyone will someday have the opportunity to be a white person and get all the privilege that comes with it if they want it. I have a dream everyone can have a a big black anaconda-like snake dick that is found only deep in the jungles of the Congo or in BBC porn. Big black dicks won’t just be for black people anymore.

I have a dream that everyone from a gay man in Thailand, to the black kid on my son’s Little League team, to the trashy white family who live in the trailer down the street from me will all finally have a chance to feel comfortable in his or her own surgically altered skin.    When we alter or penises and change ourselves different colors, we shall do it from every tenement and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God’s children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and all have bizarre surgeries done to our penises together.  Thank God Almighty, we are free at last.


Sad gay Thai man upset with his ugly penis


Gay Thai man wiht surgically altered white skin and a surgically altered huge black penis


Well I hope this provided some good information on  how to improve self-esteem through fucked-up surgeries on your genitals.  Until next time. Happy penis whitening everyone!

Click on the link to Pink News for the full story :

Penis Whitening is Gripping the Gay Community