OnLine Dating Tips-How To Find Your Perfect Match and Have Sex With Them

Get More Dates OnLine

Online dating is perhaps the most difficult challenge anyone has ever had to face in the history of the world.  It is right up there with being born without arms and Tide Pod challenges.  There are many obstacles to overcome when  finding a soulmate online to have sex with.

First you have to convince  them that you are not some weird perverted necrophiliac serial killer, like my weird butcher neighbor probably is.  That is difficult enough challenge in and of itself, and that is not even the hard part.  After you get her to believe that you will not kill her or take her prisoner, then you have to get her to go against her better judgement and the advice of all of her friends and family, and meet a complete stranger in a bar for drinks.  After that, you have to try to get her drunk enough have sex with you, but not so drunk that it seems weird and rapey.  That is certainly a difficult challenge in the #metoo era we are living in right now, but far from impossible.

If you are ready to take the online dating challenge I will show you how to write the perfect on-line dating profile.  My methods guarantee that you will find your soulmate and you live happily ever after, or at least have  semi-consensual sex with a five.

Select a Quality Profile Picture

Some people say that honesty is always the best policy.  Well, those people are all completly full of shit.  Honesty is never the best policy, especially with dating profile pictures.  It is perfectly ok to stretch the truth in a dating profile picture.  I have seen some dating profiles where, given the proper lighting and certain  camera angles, a woman can look 10, 2o, even 200 pounds lighter than she really is.  I met one girl who looked like like a thin sexy model in her profile photo, but looked more like Shamu the Whale when I met her in person.

My point is that it didn’t matter what she looked, or that she was a few hundred pounds heavier than what she led me to believe.   I am not some sort of superficial jerk who only cares about looks. I got her drunk and still had sex with her anyway, because it is what is on the inside of a woman that counts, and that is her vagina.

You don’t always need to put an accurate picture of yourself in online dating. Some people just don’t photograph well, or maybe they photographed better ten years earlier when they were a hundred pounds lighter and not as wrinkled and ugly and beaten down by life.  It is perfectly ok to show people what you used to look ten years ago like in a dating profile picture. In fact, you don’t even need show people what you look like at all.

Online Dating Profile Pictures Are Only A Concept

Your online dating picture  should be more like a conceptualized  idea of what you look like, like abstract art or Jesus.  If you feel attractive on the inside, then it is only fair to trick people into thinking you look attractive on the outside too.  Just because your face looks like a catcher’s mitt and you love doughnuts, that shouldn’t define you as a person.  Your face might be a 2 but your soul is a 9, and that is what really matters.  The images of God are nothing more than abstract ideas, and so should your dating profile picture, especially if you are fat and ugly.

Writing a Dating Profile

I don’t know how many times I heard someone say, “I never know what to say in a dating profile.” This should be the easy part. Say anything.  It doesn’t matter.  You get to be anyone you want to be in an online dating profile.  You could be an airline pilot, a famous juggler,even not married and cheating on your wife on Plenty of Fish.

Who cares?  All if fair in love and war and online dating. In the world of online dating, you get to write your own story.  Creating an alter-ego and making everything up is probably the best way to write an on-line dating profile, unless you are really successful and very well adjusted like I am.  Then it is ok to be honest in this part. When I wrote my dating profile it was like I was paining a self-portrait with words.  Below is the dating profile that I used on several dating sites that almost got me laid once.


About Me

I am mostly disease free, I have no felonies, and I’m not on Megan’s law.   I am not a great catch like a rich old guy, or a guy with a huge penis and great abs.   Most women who meet me say that I am a guy that they can settle for.  I am all that interesting either.  I can’t sing, play guitar, do magic tricks or juggle, but I can do this weird thing with my thumb, and love Dutch ovens.  That’s actually why my first wife left me so of you don’t like Dutch ovens keep moving. I’m not for you.   I know a lot of guys you meet online can be real creeps.  Trust me I am not one of them. Call me old fashion but I’m not going to say something perverted or send a dick pic until like the 3rd or 4th message.

My ideal mate would be someone who is great with kids so they can babysit mine while I’m drinking with my buddies. I am also looking for someone who can take a punch without crying to the cops about it.  I don’t need that kind of drama in my life anymore.  Also please don’t message me things like “Hey baby” Or “Your hot”. Or “I wanna shit on your chest”. I’ve heard all those lines before.  I am looking for something real.   I’m not just booty call.  I’ve been hurt too many times before.

My Ideal First Date

Well it definitely wouldn’t be bowling, go karts, or mini-golf. And it most certainly wouldn’t be a wine-tasting, a walk in the park or rock-climbing. Movies are too boring and dinner is too cliche.  Sex in a truck stop bathroom.  That would be my ideal first date.


Well there you have it.  Online dating is all up to you. Be yourself.  Don’t be yourself.  Lie.  Don’t lie.  It doesn’t really matter what the hell you say or do in the world of online dating.  The only real important lesson I can teach you when it comes to online dating is to wear a condom.  There are alot of diseases out there.  Trust me.

I didn’t wear a rubber one time and two weeks later my dick swelled up to the size of a fucking golf ball,then it got really itchy and started pussing and oozing all over the place.  It was fucking disgusting. Luckily it only turned out to only be poison ivy, but it could have easily been an STD I got from having random unprotected sex with women I met online!

Well I hope you learned a few things from what we talked about here today,  Until next time, happy online dating everyone!

Don’t forget to like me on Facebook, and check out some of my other blogs on dating and relationships.

How To Tell If a Girl Loves You-5 Extraordinary Ways You Probably Never Knew Were Even Real Things

Love Is More Powerful Than Any Silly Little Rape Allegation

Man Kissing Woman's Right Hand

I know all about love and relationships.  At least I know more than Aziz Ansari, because I had sex with close to twenty five women, and I am pretty sure that it was always consensual.   Given  my  100% consensual sex rate, I think it is safe to say that I know women.  Or at least I know when a girl is willing to go all the way, and when I need stop trying to have sex with her so she doesn’t tell people that I tried to rape her.

I have had consensual sex with all sorts of women, tall women, skinny women, smart women, dumb women and even women whose vaginas smell bad.  Sometimes when I am really drunk, I even have consensual sex with ugly women.   The list of women I have had consensual sex with spans every race, creed, and color.  The only types of women I didn’t have consensual sex with were Albinos. Although I did have sex with a girl who was very pasty once.   I never had sex with a retarded person either, at least not on purpose anyway.  There was this girl I dated a girl in college who was pretty dumb.  She might have been retarded, but I think she was just an elementary education major.

Needless to say, I know women.  I know when they are super into you and will let you do anything you want to them sexually and when they are all just like, “meh”.  Here are some signs to look for to know that when a woman will have consensual sex with you and possibly even be your soulmate for a few months while you date her.

She Goes Above and Beyond

The Kentucky Klondike Bar is the act of freezing a bowel movement and sexually penetrating another person with it. Now I can’t say I ever did this, nor do I want to. But I gotta say, if anyone ever let me  shove my  frozen feces into any of their orifices, I would know that they are completely in love with me.  That or she is a prostitute and I just did waaaaayy too much coke.

If you find a girl willing to do the The Kentucky Klondike Bar,  you know that she loves you to the moon and back. She loves you so much that she is willing do more than any girlfriend has ever done for their boyfriend in the history of dating and relationships.  In fact, she is willing to go more above and beyond what any normal sane person would ever do for anything in the history of the world, and that includes Jesus and author, speaker, and safety advocate Scully Sullenberger.

She Isn’t Afraid to Get Dirty

When you do the Connecticut Mudslide, you will get dirty.  That is just one of the harsh inevitable truths in life, like lizard people and The New World Order.   The Connecticut Mudslide is when your sexual partner is giving you a rim job, then you have an orgasm and shit in their mouth.  There are lots of prostitutes out there who would do this for money or maybe some drugs, but never for love.  If you find a women who would do this for love, hold on to her.   She is a keeper. Just make sure you wear a condom, because  who knows how many other guys she did this with?  Not to mention she is  probably completely insane and has stopped taking the pill is now trying to have your baby.

Free stock photo of person, dark, dirty, eyes

She is Willing to Try New Things

See if she will step out of her comfort zone and try new things with you such as The San Francisco Bird Feeder, which is when you suck your own cum out of your partner’s ass, then spit it into their mouth, like a mother bird feeding her young.  This is something you might want to try after you have been dating a while to her to show her what she means to you.  It would be a nice thing to try on Valentine’s Day or maybe for an anniversary.  Sucking cum out of her ass sends a much stronger message than plain old flowers or a boring card.  This shows her that you love her enough to do something really disgusting for her.  If she doesn’t reciprocate and eat the cum that you just sucked out of her ass, then she isn’t worth keeping around.  You need to dump her and find someone who will.  She is probably not that into you.

She Loves You For You

Dustin Diamond (a.k.a the guy who played Screech in Saved By The Bell) made a sex video where he gave a girl a Dirty Sanchez.  He placed a finger into his partner’s butt and then wiped it on her upper lip, creating the illusion of a mustache.   Pretty cool, huh?

You don’t have to be a big shot movie star like Dustin Diamond  to give a girl a Dirty Sanchez   Just be yourself, and she should love you for that. If your girl really does love you, then she shouldn’t care that your not a big shot movie star like Dustin Diamond and she will still let you give her a Dirty Sanchez anyway.

She Gets Along With All of Your Friends

The Houdini is a great way to introduce her to your friends.  This is when you motion to a hidden friend.  He then takes over as you are having doggystyle sex. You put her head in a pillow and slip out the back door. Then he slips in and keeps screwing her. You return in front of her and say  “ta da!”  If she can’t find the humor in that, then just face it, she is just not in love with you.  She is also probably going to press charges too, so you better be sure before you try this one.

Well those are 5 ways to tell if a girl is really into you!  There are many other things you can do to see if she is into you.  There is the Rusty Trombone, The Alabama Hot Pocket, The Charizrd, The Mexican Pancake, felching, blumpkins.  I can go on an on, but you get the point.  All you gotta do is Google “Weird Sex Acts” and suggest them to your partner.  Then you will see if they really do love you.  Click here if you want to read more on Love and Relationships. Until next time, happy dating everyone!



Winning Strategies for Saving Your Marriage

Every Marriage Has Its Own Struggles. You Are Not Alone

If you are reading this chances are you are unhappy in your marriage.  Don’t worry you are not alone.  I know exactly what you are going through. I know that you probably hate your spouse.  You probably can’t stand everything about them from how they eat pizza with a fork right down to that stupid high pitched squeal they make when they sneeze.  You are probably sick of taking cold showers because you married a selfish bitch who uses up all the hot water in the mornings.  There is even a chance that you hate the way they never shut up during movies or how they chew their gum like some kind of obnoxious asshole.  I am sure that you also despise all of their fat miserable friends and that stupid fake laugh they have when they are with them.  Don’t feel bad.  Every marriage has the exact same set of problems.  You can get through it.

People Who Have Decorative Towels Are Stupid, But That Doesn’t Mean You Should Divorce Them

You can save your marriage.  It doesn’t matter if you married someone who spends all of your hard earned money on stupid nonsense like Pampered Chef, Coach purses or trendy diets.  Or how fed up you are with them nagging you all the time about dumb stuff like not taking out the garbage, making a mess in the kitchen, or not helping with laundry. You can even save your marriage if you are in a relationship with someone who busts your balls constantly just because you used one of their precious stupid fucking decorative towels.   People who buy towels that are too fancy  to use are probably the dumbest people inhabiting planet earth.  That doesn’t mean that you still can’t be happily married one of them. I have been through it myself, and I can help you save your marriage, even if it is to one of those assholes who have decorative towels in their bathroom.

Marriage Is Hard Work

Even if your spouse isn’t a complete moron who is obsessed with decorative towels.  Maybe they have other issues that bother you.  Perhaps they are really bad with money or have really super annoying habits.  They might be overbearing.  Maybe they are emasculating or treat you like a child. They might even just be a straight up asshole. Don’t worry I have been through it.  If you follow my steps, you can learn to look past all of that and still be happily married.

Having a deep seeded hatred towards your husband or wife is no reason to not spend the rest of your life with them.  You can still live in the same house with them and see them day in and day out until you are dead. You have heard the saying, “Marriage is hard work..”  Well, it’s even harder when you can’t stand the person your married to.  But that doesn’t mean that saving your marriage is impossible.  That only means that you have to work harder at it than anyone has ever worked at anything in the history of the world.  My marriage was on the rocks and I felt the same way that you are feeling right now.  That was until my wife and I decided to  take a few steps to work on our marriage.  Now we are happier than we have ever been. Here is what we did to work on our relationship


Talk About Marriage Counseling First

Consider marriage counseling.  My wife and I didn’t actually go to marriage counseling, but we did talk about it a lot.   There is a lot of positives that can be taken from marriage counseling, like if you want an objective third party to prove to your wife that you are always right or if you need someone to reaffirm your belief that your wife is in fact a real cunt.  The only drawback to marriage counseling is that it is  giant waste of time and money. Plus, most marriage counselors are completely full of shit.  Marriage counseling is an important first step in saving marriage, and you should at least pretend to take it serious after all of your really big fights.

Pick Your Battles.

My wife and I fought constantly over everything from where to keep our shoes to who our cat liked more.  Another argument we used to get in was who was a better grocery shopper, which was clearly me because she would waste all this money buying ridiculous health food that tasted so disgusting that she wouldn’t even eat it.   Over the years I learned that those were silly things to fight over. The best way to have a strong healthy relationship is to pick your battles.  By that I mean only start fights that you absolutely know you can win, or if you are really drunk.


Be on Each Other’s Team

There is no I in Team, but there is an “I” in divorce.   There is also an I in marriage, but ironically enough that is silent.  In any case, it is crucial that  you are on each other’s team and you support one another and empower each other.   Being supportive lets the other one know that you are behind them no matter what.

Once I started being more supportive in my marriage we started being on the same team.. I don’t know how many times my wife told me that she was going to leave me.  Never once did I try to stop her.  I did not want to hold  her back from her dream.  I used to empower her and say “Well then get all your fucking shit and go already.  I’m not going to fucking stopping you.”  I  gave her the freedom to make a choice, and then I empowered that decision.  One time I got really mad and told her that I was going  leave and that I wanted a divorce. Not only did she support my decision, she even helped me pack by throwing all my clothes and shoes out in the front yard. Now that is empowerment.

Use Healthy Conflict Styles

The backbone of a healthy marriage is a healthy conflict style.  If you fight and say really hurtful things, there is no chance for the marriage to recover.  When you are upset with your partner, using  “You” or “You should” statements comes across as confrontational.   Instead use less threatening “I” statement  that look like this:

I feel____________when you_______________ .”

I am a highly evolved person with a very high emotional I.Q.  Needless to say, I have always had a very healthy conflict style.  It was always my wife who was the crazy psycho bitch who would get all crazy whenever I tried to tell her how I was feeling.   Here is an example of a healthy conflict that actually occurred in my marriage.  I approached my wife in a very calm manner and said, “I feel  like your a stupid cunt when you spend 300 dollars that we don’t have on a stupid fucking hair straightener when you could have got one at Walmart for like 3o bucks.”  Notice how I did not start that conversation with a confrontational “you” statement and I picked my battle.  I picked that particular battle because I knew that it was a fight that I could clearly win. Any good mathematician will tell you that 300 dollars is way too much money to pay for a stupid fucking hair straightener.

Think About the Children

I don’t mean think about the children when it comes to divorce in the literal sense. People get divorced all them time, and it actually works out in the children’s favor. Kids in broken homes are luckiest kids in the whole wide world. They get two of everything, two Christmases, two birthdays.  They even have two parents who are always in competition with one another.  When parents are trying to outdo one another, that means they always get  more toys and have less rules than children whose parents are still married.  Coming from a broken home should be every kid’s dream.   Children will be fine if you divorce.  You don’t have to worry about them.

When I say think of the children,  I don’t mean the actual children.  I mean the the money you will have to pay your children in support.   There is one guy I know who pays 3500 dollars a month in child support and is so broke that he lives in his parent’s basement.  He should have used more “I” statements and kept his mouth shut about the decorative towels.

Improve Communication and Improve Your Relationship

Non-Verbal Communication.

Be aware of what signals your body language is giving off to your partner.   Nonverbal communication is very powerful, and it can speak much louder than any words. One type of non-verbal communication dumping a beer over someone’s head.  Another example is knocking someone’s tooth out after a Christmas party.  They were very strong non-verbal signals that my wife displayed to me when she was mad at me.  Another non-verbal signal  that my wife gave off that she was unhappy in our marriage was when she started fucking some chubby Filipino guy at work.  She never actually told me she that was doing it, and that made it a non-verbal communication.

Verbal Communication 

Verbal communication is equally important in a marriage.  When you communicate verbally you should be open and honest about everything.  Well, everything except cheating.   You might want to lie about that if you want to save your marriage.  That usually leads to divorce, even if use strong healthy verbal communication.  After I verbally communicated to my wife that I had sex with a girl I met at a bar, she verbally communicated to me that she wanted a divorce.   We have been divorced for 2 years now and we haven’t been happier.  We don’t fight over making beds, money, dirty dishes or anything really. In fact we hardly even speak to one another, so there is very little risk of having having any pent up resentment or an unhealthy conflict like when we were married.


Just because I didn’t actually save my marriage doesn’t mean that they you can’t save yours.  Keep trying and eventually you and your spouse will be able to tolerate one another someday. I am sure of it.  Until next time, happy marriage saving everyone!

Stay tuned for my upcoming blogs: Defeating Your Ex at Co-Parenting, Raising Children Who Suck at Sports, How To Turn Gay Children Straight and Getting Out of Paying Child Support.

Feel free to leave comments or email me at if you would like to know more about me or how I became a Life Champion.



Life Champion Sex

Couple having sex on th beach

Craziest Places to Have Sex

One of the best ways to have a winning sex life is by getting a little creative and  being spontaneous.  No silly, I am not talking about anal fisting or blowing horses.  Leave that stuff to the pros on the Internet who do it for a living.  I am simply talking about having sex in new and exciting places.  I have extensively researched the Internet and compiled a list of the 5 craziest places to have sex that will guarantee you a hotter steamier relationship.

 A Swingset in a Playground

One woman said that she and her boyfriend had sex on a swingset in a playground.  Not only was there a sexy fear of getting caught, but it was a fear of getting caught by small children and traumatizing them for life. Now that’s hot!

4.  In A Barns and Noble Restroom

One woman shared a story about how her boyfriend fucked her like a savage carnal beast right in the restroom of a Barnes and Noble, pounding her throbbing wet pussy with his huge veiny member until he exploded and his gooey white hot man batter went everywhere.  Well those might not have been her exact words.  I am paraphrasing.  Either way it was really hot. If you really wanna kick up public restroom sex, do it next to stall right next to someone who is taking a giant, loud, smelly shit, and see who gets grossed out first.

The Roof of My Grandmother’s House

Another woman said that she used to have sex on the roof of her grandmother’s house.  Having spent much of my childhood hiding in my nana’s basement incesantly masterbating to the women’s underwear section of Sears catalogs I can definitely relate to her with this one.   Even if the whole sex at grandma’s house is more gross and disturbing than hot, I still put this one at number three in honor of my dead nana.  I love you nana!

In the Back of  a Movie Theatre

I once got a hand job in a movie theatre while I was in high school.  I was so scared that we were going to get caught that I freaked out and was unable to finish.  With that said, you really have to admire anyone who has ever had the courage and conviction to have sex to completion in a movie theatre.

Another Man’s Asshole

Having sex in another man’s asshole is by far the craziest place to have sex.  Nothing else even comes close.  Once your penis goes anywhere even close to another man’s asshole, all bets are off.  Even if you are just experimenting with the tip, it doesn’t matter. It is crazier than any place any human being has ever attempted to have sex, even crazier than my Denny’s story.    My hat goes off all the men of the gay community for inspiring a whole world to reach beyond their sexual limits and have the kind of sex that not even God himself thought was possible.  You are all true life champions.


Rainbow leading to gay men having sex

I like to think that at end of every rainbow there isn’t a pot of gold, but a gay man who is lovingly and gently inserting his penis into his partner’s asshole, showing the world that anal sex is not only good, but what God intended.  Remember ladies, you all have assholes too. Hint, hint.

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