Charlize Theron May Take Many Racists Advice and “Go Back to Africa”

Privileged White Woman Charlize Theron Discusses Racism In America

In a recent interview in for the May cover story of Elle,  really tall actress Charlize Theron shared her view on the racial climate in our country with  celebrity racist Jew Chelsea Handler.   Theron told Handler.”Racism is much more alive and well than people thought. We can’t deny it anymore. We have to be vocal,”  She went on to say, “There are a lot of times when I look at my kids and I’m like, if this continues, I might have to [leave America]. Because the last thing I want is for my children to feel unsafe.”

It comes as no surprise that Theron spoke out against racism.   She is, after all, from Africa and did adopt two black children.  One of which is a boy whom  she dresses like a girl.    Not that adopting a black child and forcing him to dress like a girl is appalling in any way. She adopted those kids.  They are her property and she can dress them however she likes.

What is appalling is that she opened up about racism to Chelsea Handler of all people.  Chelsea Handle is known racist, famous for her offensive tweets about black people, Asians and even a few Jews, but mostly blacks.    Chelsea Handler once tweeted a picture of Grape Soda to Nick Cannon.  That is some racist shit. Theron might have well sat down with David Duke to talk about racism.  He is the leader ot the KKK, and he never even tweeted Nick Cannon a picture of grape soda.

Celebrities Know More About Racism Than Anyone

Perhaps Theron felt comfortable opening up to Handler because Handler once said that she dates a lot of black men so people don’t think she is a racist.    Whatever the case may be, it was a giant step toward cultural awareness in our country  to see two attractive, wealthy, privileged white women sit down and discuss their views on racism in our country so freely.  If anyone knows anything about racism, it is a famous white woman who dresses up black boys in ballerina dresses, and a celebrity  who reportedly had sex with lots of black men.

Charlize Theron Says There Are Neighborhoods She Is Afraid to Go Into

Charlize Theron, best known for her sexy Internet pics, a net worth of over 120 million dollars, and once dating famous Irish actor Stuart Townsend recently took on a new role. She became the spokesperson against scary neighborhoods when she told Chelsea Handler in the May cover story of Elle, “There are places in this country where, if I got a job, I wouldn’t take it. I wouldn’t travel with my kids to some parts of America, and that’s really problematic.”

Charlize Theron Becomes The Face Against Scary Neighborhoods

Finally someone as famous and powerful as Theron is finally speaking out on the issue of scary neighborhoods.  There are many places in this country I wouldn’t travel or take a job either.  You couldn’t fucking pay me enough to take a  teaching job in Abraham Lincoln High in Philadelphia, or any inner-city school for that matter.   I wouldn’t travel with my kids within 5 miles of North Philadelphia, Compton, Riverdale in Chicago, Martin Luther King Drive in St. Louis, Washington Highlands in DC, and a few other places.

I don’t know if there are any racists  living in those neighborhoods, but there sure are lots of scary black people with guns, and they don’t like white people.  According to my chance of becoming a victim in any one of those neighborhoods range from 1 in 8 to 1 in 18.   I would have had a better chance in the jungles of Nam than I would trying to pump gas in South Memphis.   I’d bet even the white guilt queen herself Charlize Theron herself would be at least a little bit scared if she made wrong turn into Altgeld Gardens outside of Chicago.  I would go to Afghanistan and fight Al Qaeda before I stopped at the corner of Independence and Prospect in Kansas City to ask for directions.

Thank You Charlize Theron

On behalf of people afraid to go into scary neighborhoods everywhere, I thank you Ms. Theron.  We appreciate all you are doing. Your work is not going unnoticed.  I might even go see that stupid looking movie you are promoting.

How To Get Kids To Sound Smart Without Reading Books

Pros and Cons to Reading Books, but Mostly Cons

Everyone knows that pretending to like to read books makes you sound smart, the same way using really big words and having a British accent does.  Some people have even gone as far to say that actually reading books really does make you smarter.  One mom even claims that reading improves vocabulary, enhances creativity, reduces stress, improves memory, and some other stuff that I forget right now.  That is a great idea in theory.  The only problem with is that reading also happens to be super boring and really gay.

Books don’t have awesome graphics, killcams, or kill counters like Call of Duty.  You can’t kill steal cars and kills hooks like you can in Grand Theft Auto.  Books don’t have any cool famous people like Jake and Logan Paul.  The only famous people you can read about in books now are the most boring famous people of all, like Abe Lincoln and Jesus.  I did find a book about super awesome pro wrestler/world saver, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson by Kim Bernal on Amazon.  I was  later saddened to find out that it was nothing more than an adult coloring book.

So what  are children supposed to do to sound smart in this new modern age of cool shit like vlogs and video games?  The answer to this question is quite shocking.  Keep reading to learn more.

Sometime The Answers Are In A Riddle, Like In Batman Forever or Die Hard With a Vengeance

What does a man with no penis, a psychic, the world’s fattest man, a man with an 80 pound groin, polygamists, gypsies, people born without arms, a guy too fat to turn himself into a woman,  women who have babies in their pants, women who have babies in public restrooms, giants, giant families, people attracted to inflatable whales, midgets, midget couples, midget cripples, midget cripple farmers, midget families, black ghost hunters, psychics, women from Alaska, people who eat of dumpsters, a merman, the world’s largest mustard collection, a pretty wedding dress, fat people, fat families, fat midgets, fat people who aren’t fat anymore, fat people who don’t even care that they are fat, The Amish, Pete Rose and Jamie Lynn Spears all have in common?

The Answer to the Question that Answered the Previous Question Asked Prior to This Question May Surprise You.

If you guessed that they are all people we all make fun of, well then you are only partially correct.  It is true that these are people we all make fun of, but they are also people who have shows on The Learning Channel.  Children can now finally act really smart without pretending to like books or brooding all the time.

Anything with the word “Learning” in the title always makes you sound smart, the same wearing glasses and going to Starbucks does.  Hearing a child say, “I am going to put on my glasses, grab a Starbucks and watch something on The Learning Channel,” sounds way smarter than if they says, “I am going to play Call of Duty and not do my homework.”

Now I don’t know for sure if we are really learning anything from a guy making out with an inflatable whale, or a sassy toddler who plays with her belly fat, or even a really fat guy eating pizza with his shirt off, but I guess it’s like the old saying goes, “Awesome shit on T.V. will always be way better than learning stuff, bro.”

Winning the Co-Parenting War-Get Your Kids to Like You More

Using Children Effectively In The Co-Parenting War

When used correctly, children can be a very valuable asset  in a divorce.  They are probably even bigger assets that a pension or salary, and even the house.  You can train them to be spies who infiltrate and gather information from your ex like I did.  They can be turned into bargaining chips at the negotiations table. You can use them as leverage against the other parent by placing sanctions on visits and turning them against the other parent.  In some rare situations, mostly on Lifetime movies, they can eve be used as hostages.  That is why it is so important to get your children to like you more than your ex when it comes to the co-parenting war .  This will not be easy and will most certainly be the biggest fight of your life.  It is a fight that can only be won with the support of your children.

When I was going through my own divorce, it was hard to get my children to like me more than my ex at first, but I did it, and now that is our new normal. Now I am the super fun weekend dad who only does totally awesome shit with the kids, while my ex is the evil bitch that makes them do their homework and go to bed early.  Here is what I did to defeat my ex at co-parenting.

Think of Children as an Investment

Don’t worry so much about money when trying to get your kids to like you more than your ex.   Think of it as an investment in your future.  Look at it as the startup cost of a blossoming relationship with your children that will pay itself off tenfold in the end.  Buy them anything they could possibly want. The first Christmas after my divorce, I cashed in my 401K and blew my ex out of the fucking water with presents.  They say money can’t buy happiness.  Well try telling that to two fucked up little 7 year olds whose parents are going through a divorce.  Money can definitely buy them happiness. Their faces lit up brighter than the fucking Christmas tree when they saw all those toys.  It was my first major victory in the co-parenting war against my ex.  However, my mission was still far from complete.

Breakfast is the Most Important Meal of the Day

Listen, it is never ok to let small children eat ice cream and candy for breakfast.  That is unless you are going through a bitter divorce and trying to get your kids to like you more than your ex.  Then it is ok to let them eat whatever they want for breakfast, and while they are eating it make sure to ask them what they eat at mommy’s house for breakfast, and then in unison, you all go “Eeeeeeewwwwww!”  Ice Cream and candy may not be the breakfast of champions, but they are definitely the breakfast of really fucking cool dads.  I was chipping away at my ex, and slowly starting to become the favorite, but I couldn’t just rest on my laurels.  I had to continue with a full-on fun offensive.

A Good Night’s Sleep is Very Important….

Yeah, maybe at mommy’s house.  At daddy’s house, staying up late and having fun is way more important than a good night’s sleep.  When using bedtime as a weapon against your ex in the co-parenting war, I would find out when your ex schedules bedtime at her house, then push bedtime at your house back at least 5 hours.  Bedtime was possibly the most pivotal battle in the co-parenting war against my ex.  The first day I told them they could stay up as long as they wanted I was rewarded with a big hug and told I was way more fun than mommy.  That was when I knew I had her against the ropes.  Now it was time to strike the final and fatal blow.

Enforce House Rules and Be Consistent

You have probably heard this a thousand times before.  Children need structure and rules, and they need consistency, blah, blah,blah.  Look I am not saying that kids shouldn’t have those things.  I am simply saying that there should be less of them at your house.

You know who else has lots of rules and structure?   North Korea.  And no one ever wants to vacation North Korea.  They want to vacation in cool countries that have no rules, like Cancun.  I went there once for spring break and it was awesome. All the cab drivers were drug dealers, and when I got caught having sex on the beach I didn’t even get arrested. or anything.  All the cops did was rob me and take all my money.

Look, I am just saying is that if there was a fun war between North Korea and Cancun, Cancun would win every time.  So let your ex be like the crazed evil North Korean dictator with all of her crazy rules on banning R rated movies and not swearing, and you be like the guy who hosts wet t-shirt contests and gives away free beer.   It won’t be long until you hear those seven magical words come your child’s mouth, “I like you way more than mommy.”  That is when you will know that the war is over, and you’ve finally won.   Until next time.  Happy parenting everyone!  Don’t forget to check out more of my parenting blogs on Raising Kids who Suck at Sports and Dealing With Crazy Internet Challenges.

Raising Kids Who Suck at Sports-What Every Parent Should Know

Your child Sucks at Sports, But That Doesn’t MEan YOu have to suck as a parent

Your a parent and you just realized that your kid sucks at sports?  You probably want to get real drunk and put them down like they do on Life TIme movies, or even disown them like in Annie and all those movies about orphans.  Don’t feel bad.  Those are perfectly normal emotions to be feeling.  That was exactly how I felt the first time I saw my son throw like a girl.  Everyone knows that the only reason anyone even has kids is so they can watch them grow up and become awesome at sports.  When that doesn’t happen it is possibly the biggest disappointment anyone could feel as a parent.

My own Experiences Raising a Child who sucks at sports

I still remember the first time I knew my son sucked at sports.  It was his first t-ball game.  It completly devastated both me and my family when we saw how bad he was compared to all the other kids.  He was that kid that took  forever to hit the fucking ball.  Everyone rolled thier eyes when he stepped up to the plate. Tee ball is already long and boring enough to sit through without some kid who swings 15 times before he finally hits one.  Then when he did finally hit it, he ended up being that asshole kid who carries the bat with him and runs to the pitcher’s mound instead of first base.

All the other parents were all pointing and laughing at me like I was some kind of freak.  I wanted to crawl under a rock and die or put a brown bag over my head and choke myself with my tie. It was the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me.  I was a third team all-county high school football player.  I couldn’t understand how  this could happen.  How could my sperm have produced such an awful uncoordinated non-athlete?  My dreams of living vicariously through my Division I athlete son were dead before his 7th birthday.  That was when I knew that I was going to have to face the difficult challenge of raising a child who sucked at sports.  I was not prepared for that. No one ever is.

Find the good in your YOur child beyond sports

Even if they suck at sports, they are  good at other things. As a parent it is your job to find those things and cling to them.  They might not be fat or ugly. Perhaps they have nice teeth and won’t need braces.   Maybe they aren’t gay.  They might not be too fucked up and don’t need to be put in therapy.   As a parent there is always something you can be proud of to take the place of sports that they absolutely suck at.

Fat kid dancing with guitar

Even if this fat kid sucks at sports.  He can still dance real good and he looks funny.

Take an interest in your child-or at least pretend to Take an Interest in your child

Even though you may not realize it at the time, having a child who sucks at sports is not the end of the world.  All you have to do is reinvent yourself as a parent.  I accepted my son for who he was and I didn’t pressure him into being something he is not like I would if he told me that he was gay.

It doesn’t matter how dumb or boring the stuff is that your child likes. Pretending to take an interest is a big first step in raising a child who sucks at sports. I started pretending  to give a shit about all nonsense that my  son is proud of  like his straight A’s and all the academic awards he wins at school.   Even if your kids are into the stupidest gayest  stuff in the world like ballet or even theatre, you need to show up at all their events no matter how painfully boring it is.  Just make sure your phone is charged and you have some games on there.  Subway Surfer just got me through a six hour chess tournament.

The Dude


Dress them for Success

You can easily trick people into thinking your kids are good at sports by dressing them like athletes.  Buy them lots and lots of Nike and Under Armour everything.  Even get them headbands, wristbands, hats, sneakers.  That way when you are in public, it will at least look like your kids are good at sports.  For a parent who has kids who suck at sports, having kids who look like they are good at sports can help you heal the damage done to your relationship with them as a result of them not being able to throw a football.

Well I hope you learned a little bit about how to raise your own kids who suck at sports.  For more information on parenting read on about Keeping Kids From Doing Dumb Internet Challenges. 

Internet Challenges=Three Rules Every Child Should Know

Internet Challenges are Worst Than Poor Kids With Head Lice

Internet challenges have quickly become an epidemic that is sweeping across the world, and they have become my biggest worry as a parent.   I miss those simpler times when the only things parents had to worry about were the poor kids with head lice, razor blades in Halloween candy, or a child molester finger banging thier daughter in the back of a  van.  Now we have even crazier crazy shit to worry about like eating Tide Pods, cinnamon and whatever else kids are eating on the Internet these days.  We must accept that we are never going to stop Internet challenges, the same way we we will never stop child molesters or razor blades in Halloween candy.   However, it is our job as parents to educate and protect our children from the dangers of  this world and even poor people who probably carry head lice.

The Three Rules of Internet Challenges That Every Child Should Know

If we teach our children these three simple rules of doing Internet challenges, then we have done our due diligence as parents to protect our children and keep them safe.

Don’t Do It-

It is plain and simple.  I preach this to my kids all the time.

Bully Other Kids. 

I am aware that here are going to be times when not doing an Internet Challenge will simply not  be possible.  Like if someone dared them, or if there are older kids around to impress.  That is when you must encourage your children to find the courage  and conviction to find smaller weaker kids and bully them into doing it instead.

Do It To Someone Else.  

As a last resort, if there is no one around to bully, and your child still feels that he or she absolutely must do an Internet challenge, encourage them to do it to someone else who isn’t expecting it instead.

Watch this girl walk us through the steps as she attempts the hot water challenge. She tries the first step, Don’t Do It, but she clearly can’t stop herself from attempting the hot water challenge as she shouts, Hot water challenge y’all.”.  She then she looks to Bully Other Kids, but she is all alone at the time. Since there are no other kids to bully, she is left with no choice but to Do It To Someone Else,  and she finds  some guy standing by a car with his back turned to her to dump the pot of scalding hot water on.

She made the correct decision to dump scalding hot water on someone else.  That is only way to safeguard against personal injury when doing the hot water challenge.  Notice how none of the awful burns were actually on her back.  It is important that kids know the dangers of Internet challenges and that if somebody is going to get hurt, then it should always be someone else!

Well I hope this provided some insight into protecting your kids against Internet challenges.  Happy parenting everyone!