Overcoming My Addiction To Pooping-My Personal Journey To Recovery

Pooping-The Addiction People Are Afraid To Talk About

Addiction has become a very prevalent topic over the years.  Every day needs like food and sex have become addictions, explaining why so many people have become fat and horny.   Even famous celebrities are not insusceptible to the perils of modern addiction.  Tiger Woods and that guy from American Chopper who married Sandra Bullock were very vocal about their sex addictions after they got caught cheating.   Their brave admission to sex addiction has paved the way for many others to open up about their addictions.

I too almost had a sex addiction once.  Luckily I wasn’t rich or famous enough to suffer a full on addiction.  I only wound up banging a few fives and sixes and then I got married.  Even though I didn’t have a sex addiction like those celebrities who got caught cheating, I did have an addiction that was much more dangerous than even sex or heroin.  It was the addiction that no one was really talking about.  That is the addiction to taking massive shits.

Can It Really Be Possible to Become Addicted To Pooping?

The Harvard Health Medical Blog lists three main functions of addiction:

  1. Intense Cravings-Having had the urge to take a real bad shit many times, I knew that I was becoming addicted.   Sometimes the cravings would get so bad that I would start sweating and shitting would become all I could think about.  One time I was stuck on the interstate with the next rest area many miles ahead.  I began to speed with total disregard for the safety and lives of the others around me until I was able to get my fix in in the men’s room at the next rest stop.
  2. Loss of control over the object your craving- I have done many things I normally wouldn’t do because of my addiction to shitting.   One time on a fishing trip, I had to shit so bad that I pulled my pants down and shit right behind a fallen log.  I then cut my underwear off with a knife and wiped my ass with those undies and buried them under a pile of dirt and leaves.  Had it not been for my addiction to shitting I would never in a million years have done something as perverse as squatting naked in the woods with my cock and balls hanging out like that.  I knew then that I was losing control of my addiction.
  3.  Continued Use of Engagement Despite Bad Consequences-Ask anyone who has ever taken a shit, and they will tell you that nothing good ever comes from shit.  It is smelly, gross and disgusting.  That still never stopped me from shitting.  Not once.  One time I took such a huge shit at a friend’s house that it clogged the toilet. As I tried to plunge it I became so repulsed by the foul odor that I threw up a little in their sink.  I embarrassingly told my friend what had happened and asked his forgiveness.  After that night I swore that I would never shit again, only to find myself sitting on a toilet in a Walmart the very next day.  I couldn’t stop shitting.

How Did I Know I Was Addicted To Making Duty?

Looking back on my life I realize that I have been addicted to shitting for many many years.  At the height of my addiction I was unemployed, had no money, couldn’t take care of myself and was living with my mom and dad.  It got so bad that I had to wear diapers and I wouldn’t even use the potty. I would shit right in my pants and my mom and dad would have to change me and wipe my ass.   That went on for almost three years until I learned how to manage my addiction.

After that I became something of a functional shitter.  The addiction to shitting was still there but I was able to hide it well.  I still went to work everyday, coached baseball, had friends and family.  On the surface everything looked all well and good, but there was a secret that I was hiding.  I was addicted to shitting and it was starting to get out of control.

I would read whole magazines cover to cover, watch youtube videos, play Subway Surfer, Angry Birds, anything I could get my hands on just so I could stay on that toilet and shit just a little bit longer.  My kids would be banging on the door, screaming that they had to use to bathroom, but I couldn’t help myself.  I always pushed it further then I had to.  I knew that if I stayed in there just a little longer, maybe I could squeeze out one more tiny knuckler or perhaps a little shart.

The day I hit rock bottom I had locked myself in the bathroom so long that my daughter had yelled into me that my son had peed into a gatorade bottle becuase I was taking too long.  That was when I knew that my shitting was starting to get out of control.  I knew I had to do something.

The Path To Recovery For An Addicted Duty Maker

I started researching shit and defecation addiction.  Surprisingly there has been very little written on this topic.  I was a pioneer paving the way for others like me, on my way to becoming the something like the next Neal Armstrong or Steve Jobs of shit.   It wouldn’t be long before I would out myself and write the first ever blog post on shitting addiction.

It has been two years since I beat my shit addiction. Now I never fully quit shitting because that is physically impossible probably.  However I do have healthy shit patterns and regular bowel movements.  I wouldn’t say that I am clean like an addict would.  That wouldn’t be true because we are talking about shit and shit is dirty.  I can, however, say that I am healthy and happy.  It’s been years since I’ve worn a diaper or shit my pants, and I cut back on the time I spend in the bathroom so that my kids are happier.  I even put myself on a regular bowel movement schedule.  Every morning after I have my coffee I spend a responsible 5 to ten minutes in the bathroom making duty.  I guess surviving a defecation addiction is like surviving any other addiction.  You have to want to do it.

TSA Now Profiling Nonagerians and People In Wheelchairs

TSA Criticized Over Footage Of a Search Performed on a 96 Year Old Woman in a Wheelchair

A video of the TSA performing an extensive and invasive 15 minute pat search on a 96 year old woman in a wheelchair has gone viral.  Many people in the mainstream media are criticizing this saying that it was disgusting and uncalled for.  I must say that I agree.  If the TSA is ever going to PAT search a 96 year old woman in a wheelchair, they need to be sure that she is Muslim.   Whatever happened to racial profiling?

The Reasons The TSA Shouldn’t Trust Old People or Anyone in a Wheelchair

The mainstream media is slamming the TSA for the invasive search they did on that a crippled nonagenarian. They think that this wrong, but how much do we really know about this woman?  How do we know for sure that she was not the leader of a nonagenarian terrorist organization that was mobilizing a base in Anderson, Indiana.  Or that this wasn’t actually Osama Bin Laden disguised as a 96 year old woman in a wheelchair so he could travel to Anderson to blow up the Cracker Barrel?  We don’t.  Johnny Knoxville tricked everyone into thinking he was an old person in Bad Grandpa so there is no reason a terrorist cannot do the same.

This woman is in a wheelchair, but that does not mean that she is any less dangerous than someone with functioning legs.  Lest we forget the James Bond super villain Ernst Stavro Blofeld was also in a wheelchair.  I also had a college professor in a wheelchair who failed me in a Philosophy class for cheating.  The list goes on and on with dangerous villains in wheelchairs. We don’t even know for sure that she even needed that wheelchair.  Maybe she just didn’t like walking.  She might not have even been 96.  Maybe she was just a hard 70.  We don’t know, and neither did the TSA.   If I worked  TSA I would be pat searching the real terrorists.  I would target the terrorists that no one ever talks about, hot chicks with massive tits.  How do we know that those giant tits aren’t really bombs?  The only way to find out would be to grab them.

Functioning Alcoholism-Disease or Superpower?

Plain Old Alcoholism is a Disease….

Alcoholism is a progressive disease that affects hundreds if not thousands of people in the world.   Because getting drunk is so much fun and Leinenkugel’s Summer Shandy is downright delicious alcoholism can easily affect anyone.  Although there are some people who are more susceptible to  becoming an alcoholic than others, such as homeless people, housewives, ship captains, retired detectives, and rock stars.

The effects of alcoholism can be devastating.  It can make you do things that you would never have done before you had the disease.  Alcoholics will do things like call their ex, steal street signs, and pee just about anywhere, even in some girl’s hamper they mistook for a toilet like I did once.  Some alcoholics will even eat soup with their bare hands or put peanut butter on a hot dog.  Not even cancer could make someone do that.  That is how powerful this disease can be.

…But Functioning Alcoholism Is a SuperPower

WEB MD defines High Functioning Alcoholism (HFA) as a person who maintain a good paying job, family, friends, a social bonds while being addicted to alcohol.   Think about that for a minute.  These people are able accomplish the same things in life drunk that I can’t even do sober.  That is a pretty remarkable feat, and I say kudos to them.  They are superheros in my book.  Superman may be faster than a speeding bullet and sure he can leap tall buildings in a single bound, but let’s see him try to coach a youth soccer team drunk.

Functioning alcoholics are everywhere in our midst.  They walk among us the same way Spiderman does.  They are difficult to spot and they hide their superpower the same way Spider Man does, because they know that with great power comes great responsibility.  This is their gift.  This is their curse.  Just like Spiderman.

4 Ways to Identify Functioning Alcoholics

 1. Functioning alcoholics wear hats that looks exactly like lampshades.

I used to work with a guy for years who had a hat that looked exactly like a lampshade.  It wasn’t until he went to rehab that I found out that it wasn’t a hat at all.  He was actually drunk the whole time and putting a lampshade on his head.

2. They always wear a cologne or perfume that smells exactly like whiskey.

I knew another guy who always came to work wearing this cologne everyday that smelled exactly like whisky.  He ended up going to rehab a few years later and then suddenly switched to Giorgio Armani.   Now that I think about it.  I’ll bet that that wasn’t cologne at all.

3.  Functioning Alcoholics Are Not Narcoleptics.

Just because you find your someone passed out in the middle of the kitchen floor.  Don’t be quick to assume that they are narcoleptics or just really tired.   It took me thirty years to figure that out about my Uncle Walter.  He was that good at covering up his drinking.

4. Remember HFAs are not stroke victims.  They are only drunk.

Trouble walking, problems with balance, slurred speech, cannot see, blurred vision, dizziness, fatigue.  Sound familiar?  Don’t let a functioning alcoholic fool you.  If you see someone with all these symptoms,  remember they are not having a stroke.  They are just hiding the fact that they are drunk.  One time I ran into an old guy sitting on a park bench one time with the same symptoms.  I told him to have another one old timer, and I chuckled to myself and kept jogging.  I knew he was just one of those high functioning alcoholics trying to cover up being a drunk.

Well I hope this provided some insight into the difference between a regular alcoholic and a superhero alcoholic and how to spot one.  Don’t forget to check out some of my other blogs on self esteem, improving your marriage, and having sex with people you meet on the Internet.

 

 

 

Best Elf on the Shelf Idea That Will Change The Lives of Parents Everywhere

The Elf on the Shelf Has Become an Important Part of Our Lives

The only thing worse than owning children is owning children who have an Elf on the Shelf.  Whoever came up with this Elf on the Shelf is probably the same jerk that came up with other annoying stuff like birthdays and Easter.  Our elf has been visiting our house every Christmas for the past 5 years.  I’d rather my 3rd cousin from Philly who is a junky spend Christmas at my house.  He might steal some stuff, but at least my daughter won’t cry when she thought I took his magic.  She will know that he probably just overdosed.   I wish I could say they same for that fuckhead, Jingles the Elf.

Be a Good Parent-Educate Your Kids So They Don’t Make You Look Stupid

This year I had to have the dreaded “talk” with my children. No, not the one about the sex.  I will never ever do that.  Talking to children about sex is really gross and weird.  I’ll leave that to the experts, internet porn stars and kids at school.  I had to have the talk where I tell them that their Elf on the Shelf is fake.

Last Christmas my daughter told me that she was the only kid in their class that still had the Elf on the Shelf, making me the biggest embarrassment of the school.   Being a good parent, I had to stop her from making me look any more stupid.  That was when I told her the truth about how I bought Jingles the Elf at a Barnes and Nobles. It was like one of those funny practical joke shows like Punk’d or Intervention.  I mean it wasn’t as funny as when Mac Miller Punk’d Wiz Khalifa in 2012, or the look on all the drug addicts faces when they find out that they just got tricked into going to a rehab, but it was still pretty gosh darn funny.  She was so mad that I tricked her into thinking that she had a magical elf living in our house. She started crying her little eyes out and locked herself in her room.  It was really funny.

The next day, she took her iPhone 8 that “Santa” brought her and looked up Elf on the Shelf ideas for parents on Pintrest.  Then she got mad at me again, screaming at me for being lazy.  She told me that the only reason her elf doesn’t’ do anything is because I am a stupid and lazy parent.  She said she wished she had one of the cool Pinterest parents that actually cared about The Elf.  I was given an ultimatum that either I start doing cool things with the elf, or she would hate me forever.  Now she wanted me to move the elf around even though she knew it was fake.  My whole plan had backfired.

 The Final Solution-Not The Nazi One, The One For Magical Elves

I not very creative when it comes to parenting. Plus I am lazy, drunk all the time, and somewhat of a narcissist. So it goes without saying that cool Elf on the Shelf ideas are pretty much near the bottom of my list of priorities.  They are right at the bottom, next to remembering birthdays and dusting.   I still needed to come up with something. There had to be a final solution, one that would end the Elf on the Shelf’s career once and for all.

I thought to myself what would a woman do in this situation?   Then one evening while I was sipping bourbon in the garage, I came up with the greatest Elf on the Shelf idea in the history or parenting.  It was an idea even greater than the one that I saw on Pinterest, like the one where The Elf made a train of shoes.  Now I know how Einstein must felt when he invented the Internet, or Ari felt when he broke up with Becca for Lauren on Season 22 of the Bachelor.   I was so proud of my accomplishment. It would be such a great elf idea that it would ruin him forever.

If It Ruined Aziz Ansari, Louis C.K., and even James Franco, Then Why Not Jingles the Elf?

My plan was so simple that it was genius.  It  was Mad Libs meets The Onion meets Toy Story, rolled up  into one shocking #MeToo allegation and voila!  It was the perfect scenario to get the Elf on the Shelf out of my house for good.

All I did was take an article from The Mercury News about Matt Lauer.  Then I replaced Matt Lauer’s name with Jingles the Elf, and the North Pole for NBC.  Finally, I snapped a few photos of Jingles the Elf in compromising positions with a Monster High doll.  Jingles the Elf reputation was ruined forever and his career as a magical elf was ruined for good, just like the real Matt Lauer. If you do this, your kids might say that you’re disgusting and they hate you like mine did.  Relax, kids always say that kind of stuff to their parents.  Remember you drive a car and you have money.  They need you to take them places and buy them stuff.  They will get over it.  Trust me.  Stay strong.  Be vigilant.  It won’t be long until his career is as ruined as Matt Lauer’s and Louis C.K.

Happy parenting everyone!

Click here for more tips on Raising Kids Who Suck At Sports, and Dealing With Dangerous Internet Challenges. 

Jingles the Elf: Disturbing, multiple allegations of sexual misconduct detailed in stunning new report

Like other powerful men who have been brought down by sexual misconduct charges in the past year, “Elf on the Shelf” Jingles also is alleged in reports to have exposed himself to a female colleague, to have forced himself on women during ostensibly work-related meetings in his office or in hotel rooms, and to have generally used his position at his workplace to silence victims and stay in power.

The reports, from Variety and the New York Times, were published Wednesday afternoon, hours after The North Pole announced that it had fired Jingles the Elf over an allegation about inappropriate sexual conduct with a female staffer.

The inappropriate conduct cited by The North Pole allegedly occurred in 2014 when Jingles was placed in the toy bin with other dolls and female toys The misconduct continued for several months, various outlets have reported.

The New York Times reported late Wednesday that The North Pole had received at least two more complaints related to Jingles the Elf. One complaint came from a former employee who told the Times that Jingles had summoned her to the play room in the basement, locked the door and assaulted her.

The former employee told the Times that Jingles asked her to unbutton her blouse and bent over before he sexually assaulted her. She also said she passed out during the assault and had to be taken to a toy doctor.

Finally, she said she didn’t report the incident because she didn’t want to lose her job and because she felt somehow that it was her fault for not doing more to stop Jingles. Later that year her arm was lost and the children stopped playing with her.

Representatives for Jingles have not responded to requests from Variety or from the New York Times for comment.

Among the many disturbing points raised in the Variety story is that North Pole executives may have long known about Jingles alleged misconduct, but didn’t act. Moreover, Jingle’s behavior might have been something of an open secret around the North Pole.

“Several other dolls told Variety they complained to  Santa about Jingle’s behavior, which fell on deaf ears given the lucrative advertising surrounding ‘Christmas’ ” a former reporter quoted in the Variety story said.

For most of Jingles’s tenure as an “Elf on the Shelf,” the holiday was No. 1 in the favorite holidays, and Santa was eager to keep him happy, Variety reported.

Another former reporter, who asked not to be named, told Variety that “management sucks there,” referring to Santa and other high ranking North Pole officials who previously worked at the North Pole “They protected the (expletive) out of Jingles the Elf.”

Variety said its report is based on a two-month investigation and involves dozens of interviews with current and former staffers. Variety said it had also talked to three women who identified themselves as victims of sexual harassment by Jingles the Elf. These women asked to remain unnamed, but their stories have been corroborated by friends or colleagues that they told at the time, Variety said.

In certain respects, these reports about Jingles are not a total surprise. Despite his affable holiday persona, Jingles was long dogged by rumors that he was a “womanizer.”

Page Six reported that he was known to have had consensual relationships with female subordinates. Rumors about an affair with former favorite toy Malibu Barbie grew heated enough in 2016 that  both Jingles and Barbie were forced to publicly deny it.

Other allegations outlined in the Variety story, which cited multiple sources, include:

— Jingles once gave a female colleague a sex toy as a present, Variety said. The toy came with an explicit note about how he wanted the colleague to use it.

— Jingles once summoned another female employee to his office, the report said. He dropped his pants and showed where his penis would be if he had one. When she refused to do anything, Jingles reprimanded her for not engaging in a sexual act.

— His office at The North Pole was located in a secluded space, and he had a button under his desk that allowed him to lock his door from the inside. The purpose, according to Variety, allowed him to invite a woman into his office and make a move on her without other people walking in.

— According to multiple accounts, Jingles would invite female North Pole staffers and other toys from the toy bin late at night while watching children in their homes in various cities over the years.

During his time as  the “Aberfledy house” Jingles essentially became one of the most recognizable faces of Christmas. That gave him considerable clout over others who toys aroud the house.

Producers told Variety that Jingles would frequently dismiss stories about cheating husbands or about sexual misconduct.

 

Jingles, and his “North Pole” colleagues, found themselves in increasingly uncomfortable situations in the wake of reports of sexual misconduct allegations against Roger Ailes and Harvey Weinstein.

 

 

And The World’s Biggest Asshole Award Goes To….

Farrah Abraham

Farrah Abraham

Farrah’s Epic Journey Begins

Farrah Abraham got knocked-up as a 16 year old living in Council, Bluffs Iowa.  However, that is not what made her the World’s Biggest Asshole.  A lot of teenagers get pregnant.  That doesn’t mean they are all the world’s biggest assholes. It simply means they are an embarrassment to their family and sinners.  It wasn’t until Farrah exploited her unplanned teenage pregnancy for a little bit of money and some fame on the reality show 16 and Pregnant that she began her epic rise to becoming The World’s Biggest Asshole.

Life After Being The World’s Most Famous Pregnant Teenager

Farrah was let go from the show 16 and pregnant shortly after her daughter was born.  That was when she did what she thought was in the best interest of her newborn daughter.  She spent her child’s most important formative years on a reality show called Teen Mom. It is there where she would continue her rise to assholedom, spending the ensuing 4 years acting completely insane and whore-like.  However ridiculous she looked, that is still not what won her the title of World’s Biggest Asshole.

Farrah Decides To Do The Responsible Thing

In 2013 she finally decided to do the right thing, and did what any other responsible parent of a 4 year old would do.  She did porn.  She contacted James Deen and made a fake sex tape that she leaked herself.  Her life was ruined by something as embarrassing as a sex tape, and she had to reinvent herself once again.  This time she is doing real porn and now has a line of sex toys and even has a rubber vagina that is molded in the shape of hers.   Having a rubber vagina with your name on it means that you have arrived as a real celebrity, but it still doesn’t mean that you won the title of the World’s Biggest Asshole.

Farrah Finally Does It

Fast forward 5 years.  Completely broke, ravished by awful plastic surgery and saddled with ridiculously huge fake tits, Farrah decides to make one final push to become the World’s Biggest Asshole.  She accuses MTV of bullying her over her sexuality.  But what exactly is Farrah’s sexuality that would cause an entire television network to bully her? After doing some research research I came to discover that Farrah’s sexuality is not gay or straight.  It is actually slut, which is really just straight, only more of it. Farrah is a very private person and I only discovered this when I saw that Chrissy Teigen got accused of “slut-shaming” after Chrissy called her a whore on Twitter.

After a lifetime of being called a whore simply because she did porn,  Farrah Abrahams has finally had enough. She is now suing Viacom, Eleventh Street Production, Anxious 11, and Teen Mom Producer Morgan J. Freeman for 5 million dollars over , “sex-shaming.”  You would think that she would be suing PornHub over something like that.  In any case, I hope she wins because she will need every last penny to pay for all that therapy her daughter is going to need.  I’ll bet her mom is kicking herself now for not letting her get that abortion back in ’08’. Congratulations Farrah Abraham’s.  You are The Worlds Biggest Asshole!  Click here to read more about past winners of The World’s Biggest Asshole. 

 

 

3 Easy Ways To Improve Self-Esteem Quickly and Feel Like a Life Champion Again

Improve Low Self-Esteem, and also Don’t Believe anything My Ex-Wife Says About Me.

There is a lot of people out there struggling with depression and low-self esteem.  I don’t personally happen to be one of them, but that is only because I am a self-absorbed narcissistic asshole. At least that is what my bitchy ex-wife says to all her fat bull dike friends.  That is good news for people with low-self esteem because that makes me an expert on just about everything. So today I am here to give you some advice on improving your low self-esteem.

Be aware that just because you read this that doesn’t mean that your self-esteem will be as high as mine.  You won’t immediately assume everyone adores you, or be able to put people down to boost your own ego, or think you know everything like my ex-wife  says I do when she talks shit on me to all of our mutual friends.   That only comes after years and years of thinking that you are better than everyone.   Expecting to have high self-esteem after reading this would be like expecting to be Budda just because you are fat and you tried curry once.

Reaching my level of self-esteem takes years and years of proving other people wrong, gas-lighting them, and putting others down.  Let’s start with baby steps.  Let’s just work on getting you to stop eating your feelings, being a slut, or wanting to kill yourself.  After that you can work on having really high self-esteem and being a smug know-it-all prick like my ex wife said about me when she got drunk at a Pampered Chef party last month.  That’s right Amanda, I went to Five Guys for lunch with Ned and Tammy and they told me all the shit you were saying about me.

WhO hAS lOW sELF-eSTEEM?

Everyone knows that fat chicks, strippers and guys who can’t bench press 300 pounds all have low self-esteem.  But who else has low-self esteem?  The answer might surprise you.  An article I found on the Internet called Holistic Living said that people who walk with their head down, don’t make eye contact, don’t take risks, can’t take a compliment, use negative language, take things personally, and don’t engage with others are all people with low self-esteem.  I actually know a lot of people like that, but I always just thought they were giant pieces of shit.  I never knew they actually had low self-esteem.

What to DO To Improve Low Self-Esteem

While I was in the bathroom this morning I was reading over some other articles that have been written on improving low self-esteem. They all said pretty much the same stuff, like the one I found on this site called PsychCentral.    They said to do things like, “take a self-esteem inventory”, “stop comparing yourself to others”, “set aside perfection and grab hold of accomplishments….and mistakes.”  Who is writing this shit, Ghandi?  That might great advice for giant pussies who don’t live in America.  Comparing yourself to others and trying to be perfect is what successful people do in America.  That is why we God made Facebook and eating disorders, which can both excellent strategies for improving low-self esteem by the way.  I am going to teach you the more practical, more American way of improving self-esteem.

Get More Likes On Facebook

Self-esteem starts with impressing other people and making them jealous of you, and what better place to do that than on FaceBook.  Just because you don’t like yourself doesn’t mean everyone in the world has to know it.  Stop being one of those losers who post morose cryptic looking shit on Facebook to try to get people to feel sorry for you.  Sure people might ask you what’s wrong.  They might even be nice enough to give your depressing song lyrics a Like, but trust me they are talking shit on you behind your back.

Instead, be more like the married woman I know who cries after sex and told me that she felt dead inside.  Her Facebook page is filled with happy images of her and her family at the beach and making smores in their back yard.  Self-esteem always starts with what other people think of you, and when it comes to self-esteem what other people think of you is the most important thing.

HavE a Healthy LifestylW

  1. If your a woman, this means taking lots and lots of dicks.   I used to think that women with low self-esteem were sluts, until I recently found out that is actually quite the opposite.  Having sex with lots of strange men is the ultimate form of validation that actually increases self-esteem.   I went to college with a girl who fucked literally the entire football team, three buddies from my hometown, a few guys from the preppy frat,  some guys of the diversity club, a few townies, and I even heard rumors she diked out with some of the girls on the track team.  Now she is the poster child for high self-esteem.  She is a successful attorney who is happily married with two great kids, a handsome husband and a Golden Retriever.  She couldn’t be happier with her life.  I know this because I just liked a few photos of hers on Facebook.
  2. Alcohol might be a depressant, but not until the next day.  At the moment it makes you feel like a champion.  I liken it to Popeye and his spinach.  Drinking heavily will make you feel like your the coolest guy in the room, even when you are not.
  3. I don’t agree with body shaming, but fat people are absolutely fucking disgusting.   When it comes to self-esteem, there is never such a thing as too skinny.  There are all sorts of unregulated diet pills out there and at least 2 eating disorders that you can pick from. In this day and age you have no excuse for being fat.  Look at the picture of this woman below. Do you think a fat woman would have the self-esteem to pose in just her underwear.

 

Be a Parent

There can’t be a more positive way to feel better about yourself than having a couple of kids that you can boss around all day and know that you are better at in everything.  You might have a shitty job, be ugly, feel trapped, unfulfilled or whatever, but at least you can tie your own shoes and you know how to read.  Having children means having someone in your life who loves you unconditionally no matter how shitty your life turned out.  Children also serve as an excellent outlet for projecting anger onto that you would have otherwise internalized and taken out on yourself.  Whenever I am feeling down, I like to pour myself a stiff drink and then find something to yell at my kids for.  I feel better about myself almost instantaneously.

If you follow these three tips you will have such high self-esteem that people will think your an asshole too.  Until next time! Happy self-esteem boosting everyone!    Click here to read more articles on improving self-esteem.

Philadelphia Fans are Life Champions Despite What Some Black People Might Say

Eagles Will Do Anything For Their Cause…Even Eat Horse Shit, Literally

In a stunning display of heroic fandom, a staunch Philadelphia Eagles supporter ate a giant steaming pile of horse shit.  His valiant efforts  showed the world that he would do anything to show support for his team, even eat a large pile of horse shit.  I never saw Colin Kaepernick doing anything like that for civil rights.   In fact, all I ever saw him do was kneel during the national anthem.  That’s not a very powerful message considering I don’t even get up off my couch during the national anthem unless it is to take a piss.

If Colin Kaepernick really cared about civil rights, maybe he would have eaten horse shit like this guy did.  Colin Kaepernick and his NFL constituents have spent 2 years kneeling during the National Anthem and they very little changed for black people in our country.  Meanwhile, this guy eats one pile of horse shit and his favorite team wins the the Super Bowl.   Maybe that is what we need to do as a society to be the agent of change that out country needs.  We need to see a YouTube video of a guy eating shit in a Black Lives Matter shirt.  Until that day comes I am afraid that we will never move forwards to Martin Luther King’s vision of equality in this country.  Society can learn alot from an Eagles Fan.

Eagles SuperBowl Win Sparks Yet Another Race Debate

There is a common misconception across America that stupid drunk white guys will riot after their sports team win a big game.  The Eagles Super Bowl win once again perpetuated this belief, as Black Lives Matter New York President Hawk Newsome recently told NewsWeek.“Somehow, it seems there’s a line drawn in the sand where destruction of property because of a sports victory is OK and acceptable in America. However, if you have people who are fighting for their most basic human right, the right to live, they will be condemned,”

What Mr. Newsome and others fail to understand is that white people do not riot.  They celebrate.   When you see a drunk white guy flip a car over after the Super Bowl, it is only because he trying to show everyone how happy he is.  That is never as scary as when you see a black guy doing it in a fit of rage.  When you see a stupid drunk white guy flipping over a car or lighting a fire in the street it is almost cheeky and cute.  It is like watching videos of babies laughing or America’s Funniest Home Videos, only even cuter.  Watch this dumb drunk white guy flip a car to show how happy he is that his Philadelphia Eagles just won the Super Bowl.  It is just plain adorable.

Racist Baseball Team Owner Fires Indian Mascot

Racist Baseball Owner Paul Dolan Fires Native American Mascot Just Because He Is an Indian

In an act of blatant racism, Cleveland Indians owner Paul Dolan fired Chief Wahoo from his position as team mascot today.   Mr. Dolan made it very clear that this firing was  based solely on the fact that Chief Wahoo’s was an Indian an had red skin.  This move created a national backlash as Dolan apologists argue that Indian’s have no place in baseball, and Chief Wahoo’s teeth are far too large for him to be taken serious as a mascot.

The Future For Chief Wahoo

The removal of Chief Wahoo is yet another an atrocity and appealing demonstration of white privilege.  The white man already drove American Indians from their homes once.  Now Paul Dolan won’t even let them have shitty, smelly, dirty Cleveland.  Well I guess it is time for Chief Wahoo to do what many of his ancestors have done before him.   It is time for Chief Wahoo to open up a casino and get a free college education.  Click here to read about more Great Moments in Race Baiting History. 

 

Indians Remove Chief Wahoo Logo-New York Daily News

 

 

Develop a Winning Mindset-Think Like a Champion

Think Like a Champion

There has been a lot written on what it takes to think like a champion. Everyone from Donald Trump to some doctor on the Internet have  weighed in on it.  There have even been several million Facebook memes posted about the topic.  Most of these all suggest the same things like trying hard, not making excuses and never giving up. That stuff might help you think like a champion, but that sounds way too fucking hard.  My way of thinking like a champion in much easier and a lot more sensible.

I used to be a giant pussy like the rest of you, getting my lunch eaten by fat asshole bosses, coworkers, wives, small children, and even some old lady at Walmart  who gave me shit for taking her parking spot, which I didn’t do because I got there first.   That was when I finally decided to change my life and stop taking people’s shit.  That was when I started thinking like a champion and started winning at life and succeed at everything I did.   I almost coached my son’s soccer team to a championship, went on 8 different diets, and won countless free tickets on scratch offs, didn’t get fired from any jobs, and I even successfully got divorced after my wife filed for one against me.  Here is exactly how I did it:

 I Started to Think With My Whole Body

After watching a science fiction movie about how the average human only uses 10% of their brain, I knew that I needed to use all 100% percent of my brain,  and then start thinking with other body parts as well.   It was a daunting task, but within a year I was not only thinking with my whole brain, but most of my my penis as well, the same way successful millionaires such as Al Franken, Harvey Weinstein and Matt Lauer did before they went crazy and started sexually assaulting all those women.  Let us not forget that before they launched their full on attack against the #MeToo woman’s movement, Al Franken, Harvey Weinstein, and Matt Lauer were all highly esteemed life champions, and it was no accident how they got there.  They got there by thinking with their brains and their dicks.  When you think with your brain and your dick it is like having two brains, giving you a clearcut intellectual advantage over lesser people who are using only one brain.

Stopped Listening to My Heart 

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking with your heart. While this may lead you to to be more empathic and intuitive, it is not a winning mindset.  Before I began dominating life I used to think with my heart, and it all it ever did was make me want to talk about my emotions and feel sorry for poor people, hardly the moves of a life champion.

Exercised, Got Plenty of Rest, Meditated, Did Brain Exercises and I Ate Healthy 

I’m fucking with you.  I didn’t do any of that shit.  That sounds super gay and boring.  This one is actually for all the ladies.  Without a penis to rely on for strength and guidance, a women must be extra vigilant in strengthening her smaller feebler woman brain that is not much bigger than a cat’s.  They must do things to help brain function that I read about on the Internet like eating dark chocolate or playing Tetris.

They can also try eating fish or doing crossword puzzles like my sweet old nana used to do.  She was never a life champion but she did live until she was 87 and could make real good soup, which isn’t a bad consolation prize. I know that there are probably some feminazi women’s lib lesbos out there who think I am being sexist and will argue that a woman can certainly yield champion results by thinking with their vaginas.  Unfortunately, that is just  not true.   Watch what happens to this women who tries to think with her vagina.

She doesn’t win anything.  She merely gets up and starts vacuuming, proving that thinking with your vagina will not make you a life champion.  It will only make you better at cooking and cleaning.  It will also cause you to become too sensitive, overly emotional and unable make a decision.  No woman has ever won a life championship that way, except Caitlyn Jenner, but he was actually a guy.

The Last Word

Well I hope this gave you all some insight into thinking like a champion.  Hopefully you can take some of what you learned here today and apply it to your own life.  Don’t forget to like me on FaceBook, Twitter and Instagram.  Feel free to leave a comment or send me an email at ajaberfeldy@gmail.net Until next time.  Happy thinking everyone!  Click here to read more about personal development and penis whitening, but more about personal development

Links To More Pussy Ways of Thinking Like a Champion

Welcome to the Winning Mindset-Unleash The Power of Your Mind

5 Ways to Develop a Winning Mindset-Forbes

Psychology of Winning-10 Qualities of a Winning Mindset